This weeks joke

I swithered over that one knowing there were some sensitive types on here :eek:

His blogspot is usually good for a bit of fun http://yodagoat.blogspot.co.uk/
 
Crikey! What a laugh! Bloody brilliant!

I had to put the old Bowers & Wilkins headphones on in case Mrs R got an earful.
If there aren't flowers and butterflies falling from the sky she isn't interested.
 
Health Information -  Very important health tip. Could be life changing
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.
Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.  You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living. Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects
Side effects may include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Warnings:
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel may benefit!  Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz
 
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, ?Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.?

The biker pulled over and said, ?Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.?

The Lord said, ?Your request is materialistic? think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.?

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, one day, he prayed for something different.

?Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she?s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ?nothing?s wrong,? and how I can make this woman truly happy.?

There was a long silence. Then the Lord finally replied,




?You want two lanes or four on that bridge??
 
United%20Airlines.jpg
 
triplenut said:
....i knew in Scotland we had invented most things .e.g telly, tar macadam, the tunnocks teacake....didn't realise we were so far advanced in developing 'adventure biking'....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMGEI3eYEl0

....interesting soundtrack, which some on this forum will definitely appreciate.
Click to expand...

even my wife was laughing along with the video and soundtrack.... and she rides a Moto Guzzi

Paul LeClair
 
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

?Janie, do you have a story to share??

?Yes, ma?am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.

?She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn?t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.?

?Good Heavens,? said the horrified teacher. ?What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story??




?Don?t mess with Mommy when she?s been drinking.?
 
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculate and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculate rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculate then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"
 
the lone ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy indian war party.
the indian chief proclaims, "so, you are the great lone ranger. in honour of the harvest festival, you will be executed in three days. but, before i kill you, i will grant you three requests. what is your first request?"

the lone ranger responds, "i'd like to speak to my horse."

the chief nods and silver is brought before the lone ranger, who whispers in silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

later that evening, silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

as the indian chief watches, the blonde enters the lone ranger's tent and spends the night.

the next morning the indian chief admits he's impressed. "you have very fine and loyal horse, but i will still kill you in two days. what is your second request?"

the lone ranger again asks to speak to his horse. silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

as before, silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. later that evening, to the chief's surprise, silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.

she enters the lone ranger's tent and spends the night. the following morning the indian chief is again impressed. "you are indeed a man of many talents, but i still kill you tomorrow. what is your last request?"

the lone ranger responds, "i'd like to speak to my horse... alone."

the chief is curious, but he agrees, and silver is brought to the lone ranger's tent.

once they're alone, the lone ranger grabs silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "listen very carefully, for the last time.....

BRING POSSE!!!"
 
Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends
two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league ."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern
if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her
arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all
over him and says...
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious,grabs her purse and
storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper
must have mistaken him for someone else,
but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every 4 letter word in the book..
The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

 
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