This weeks joke

Legs

Hero member
Location
Adelaide Hills
Three guys marry. 1st man marries a Greek. Tells her to do the dishes & clean. Took a couple of days, but day 3 he has clean house, dishes done. 2nd man marries a Thai. Tells her to do cleaning, dishes, cooking. 1st day nothing, 2nd day better, 3rd day perfect. 3rd man marries an Aussie. Tells her to clean/mow/washing & cook. Day 1&2 he sees nothing, day 3 swelling has eased & some sight in left eye & arm is able to make a sanga & clean up. Still having trouble pissing.
 

Shajota

Hero member
A married couple never fought, not once in 25 years of marriage.

A friend of the husband asked him one day “How is that even possible?”

Husband replied “Well, we went horse riding on our honeymoon. While riding my wife’s horse jumped and she fell off. She got up and patted the horse and said “That’s the first......”

After a while it happened again and she said “That’s the second….”

When it happened a third time, she pulled out a gun and shot the horse.
I shouted at her and said “Are you crazy?!? You just killed the horse!!?

She gave me a look and said “That’s the first…..”
 

Legs

Hero member
Location
Adelaide Hills
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the
narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.
The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and
demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says,
"That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Arse Hole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number
of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a big gun lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile
of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH" underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and Hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and Hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Arse Hole?"
Well, Sir,..... You'd know your client better than I do.

~~~~ How often can one get a lawyer to convict his own client ~~~~
 

Legs

Hero member
Location
Adelaide Hills
Researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years.
It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.
 

Shajota

Hero member
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
 

Perry

Full member
Location
West Sussex UK
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for her upcoming birthday.

She said, 'I want something shiny, that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a set of bathroom scales.

And then the fight started...
In our house my wife keeps the scales in the bedroom. They are the type you have to tap with your foot to zero them. Unfortunately for her this usually wakes me up. Pretending to still be asleep I wait till I hear her stand on them and then I shout

" One at a time please, one at a time ! ".
Always goes down well.
 
A scruffy, smelly old man goes into a shop And asks for a bottle of Methylated spirits only to be told
“We don't serve tramps Meths.”
” Listen Sunshine, I might not be the best dressed person in the world or the cleanest but I didn't fight for King and country so people like you could jump to conclusions and talk to me in that manner. I have fallen on hard times and would just like to be treated like a human being..” the old guy was welling up with tears.
” I am so sorry Sir, please forgive me for my outburst - can we start again?” With this the shop assistant placed a bottle of Meths on the counter and said “ That’ll be £1.25 please Sir”
” Have you got a cold one?
 

Shajota

Hero member
(one for the ladies?)

When I retired I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...
 

chrisk

Hero member
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were.

I told her one was about an SF750 that could wheelie while popping it into second gear at 8,000rpm, and 60mph, down hill.
And the one about Elle MacPherson having wild sex with me on a deserted beach.

She meant goals ............ and then the fight started.
 
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