motoddrob
Hero member
- Location
- S/W Australia
If you speak Dutch I think all the better but doesn't matter!!
http://www.youtube.com/embed/jsseUBFDDuo
http://www.youtube.com/embed/jsseUBFDDuo
This week's joke
- Thread starter Rufustbear
- Start date
Laverdalothar
Hero member
- Location
- Germany
Davo said:
I wonder what that special tool on the very right of the table is for. He did not explain that...
DoC!
Hero member
A one-eyed American decides to take up hunting as a new hobby. He buys a sparkly new rifle and goes out to the woods.
He sees a bear, lines up the sights and Bam!, misses the bear by 2 feet left. Before he can reload, the bear runs up and grabs him, saying 'because you tried to kill me I am going to shag you up the arse to teach you a lesson'. The bear spreads the hunter over a fallen tree and performs the dastardly deed and then let's him go.
The hunter is doubly sore that night and swears revenge on the bear. He strips down the gun and sights and checks everything over to the last detail.
Next day he tracks the bear, finds him and lines up the sights and lets a shot go. Bam! He misses the bear by 2 feet right. The bear runs up to him before he can reload again and says 'because you tried to kill me twice I am going to shag you twice up the arse to teach you a lesson'. The bear spreads the hunter over another fallen tree and performs the dastardly deeds and then let's him go.
Now the hunter is sore and bleeding and swears revenge over his mother's grave. That night he strips the gun and the sights down again, polishes everything to perfection and loads a dumdum bullet.
Over the next few days he tracks the bear over seriously mountainous territory, running out of food and water as well. He is shattered, lost and lonely. At last he finds the bear though and, waiting until the bear is the closest, lines up the sights for the perfect shot and lets the dumdum bullet go. Bam! The dumdum bullet flies 1 foot over the bears head and shatters against a tree, covering him in rotten bark.
Seriously pissed off now, the bear rushes up to the hunter before he can reload, grabs his coat lapels and lifts him off the ground with his back against a tree. With seriously bad breath the bear growls at the hunter the same thing. 'Because you tried to kill me three times I am going to shag you three times up the arse to teach you a lesson. Before I do that though, do you mind if I ask you a question?
The hunter, quivering with fear and trepidation whispers 'no'.
'Ok, thanks' said the bear. 'You're not really in this for the hunting are you?'
Cheers
DoC!
He sees a bear, lines up the sights and Bam!, misses the bear by 2 feet left. Before he can reload, the bear runs up and grabs him, saying 'because you tried to kill me I am going to shag you up the arse to teach you a lesson'. The bear spreads the hunter over a fallen tree and performs the dastardly deed and then let's him go.
The hunter is doubly sore that night and swears revenge on the bear. He strips down the gun and sights and checks everything over to the last detail.
Next day he tracks the bear, finds him and lines up the sights and lets a shot go. Bam! He misses the bear by 2 feet right. The bear runs up to him before he can reload again and says 'because you tried to kill me twice I am going to shag you twice up the arse to teach you a lesson'. The bear spreads the hunter over another fallen tree and performs the dastardly deeds and then let's him go.
Now the hunter is sore and bleeding and swears revenge over his mother's grave. That night he strips the gun and the sights down again, polishes everything to perfection and loads a dumdum bullet.
Over the next few days he tracks the bear over seriously mountainous territory, running out of food and water as well. He is shattered, lost and lonely. At last he finds the bear though and, waiting until the bear is the closest, lines up the sights for the perfect shot and lets the dumdum bullet go. Bam! The dumdum bullet flies 1 foot over the bears head and shatters against a tree, covering him in rotten bark.
Seriously pissed off now, the bear rushes up to the hunter before he can reload, grabs his coat lapels and lifts him off the ground with his back against a tree. With seriously bad breath the bear growls at the hunter the same thing. 'Because you tried to kill me three times I am going to shag you three times up the arse to teach you a lesson. Before I do that though, do you mind if I ask you a question?
The hunter, quivering with fear and trepidation whispers 'no'.
'Ok, thanks' said the bear. 'You're not really in this for the hunting are you?'
Cheers
DoC!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
COSATU
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking, South African.
RAY MCCAULEY
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the 'other side.' That's what 'they' call it-the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be free to cross the road.
It's as plain and simple as that.
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA SIMPSON
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
PLATO: For the greater good.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque-book -and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by 'chicken'? Could you define 'chicken' please?
GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.
THE P.A.C
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the 'black man' in order to trample him and keep him down.
HANSIE CRONJIE
Satan made him do it.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY:
Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
JACK NICHOLSON:
'cause it f___ing wanted to. That's the f___ing reason.
HIPPOCRATES:
Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ANDERSEN CONSULTANT: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of successfully architecting, implementing, and delivering an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused,and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message, aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
MOSES:
And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, 'Thou shalt cross the road.' And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
RICHARD M. NIXON:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, 'What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?'
OLIVER STONE:
The question is not, 'Why did the chicken cross the road?' Rather, it is, 'Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?'
DARWIN:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA:
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON:
The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:
To get to the other side.
COSATU
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking, South African.
RAY MCCAULEY
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the 'other side.' That's what 'they' call it-the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be free to cross the road.
It's as plain and simple as that.
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA SIMPSON
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
PLATO: For the greater good.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque-book -and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by 'chicken'? Could you define 'chicken' please?
GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.
THE P.A.C
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the 'black man' in order to trample him and keep him down.
HANSIE CRONJIE
Satan made him do it.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY:
Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
JACK NICHOLSON:
'cause it f___ing wanted to. That's the f___ing reason.
HIPPOCRATES:
Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ANDERSEN CONSULTANT: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of successfully architecting, implementing, and delivering an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused,and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message, aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
MOSES:
And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, 'Thou shalt cross the road.' And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
RICHARD M. NIXON:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, 'What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?'
OLIVER STONE:
The question is not, 'Why did the chicken cross the road?' Rather, it is, 'Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?'
DARWIN:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA:
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON:
The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:
To get to the other side.
A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.
He asks the first nun 'Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a Penis?'
The nun giggles and slyly replies, ' Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger'
St Peter says, ' OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate'
St Peter asks the next nun the same question.
'Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?'
The nun is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well once I fondled and stroked one'
St Peter says 'OK dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate'.
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line.
One nun pushes her way to the front, when she reaches St.Peter he asks,'Sister,Sister what seems to be the rush?'
The nun replies ' If I am going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.
He asks the first nun 'Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a Penis?'
The nun giggles and slyly replies, ' Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger'
St Peter says, ' OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate'
St Peter asks the next nun the same question.
'Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?'
The nun is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well once I fondled and stroked one'
St Peter says 'OK dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate'.
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line.
One nun pushes her way to the front, when she reaches St.Peter he asks,'Sister,Sister what seems to be the rush?'
The nun replies ' If I am going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!
D
Davo
Guest
Gerald said:yes, and while they nibble on their free food they watch your pole dance
Fixed
D
Davo
Guest
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided
to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence.
After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the field were you before you realised it was caught?"
A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided
to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence.
After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the field were you before you realised it was caught?"
How do YOU pronounce Oklahoma ? Do you think it's correct?
There is a right way and a wrong way to pronounce Oklahoma.
If you say OK...LAHOMA you're WRONG
The proper way is: OKLA .....HOMA
There's a gap between the 'a' and the 'h'.
I can prove it..............
There, you learned something today!
There is a right way and a wrong way to pronounce Oklahoma.
If you say OK...LAHOMA you're WRONG
The proper way is: OKLA .....HOMA
There's a gap between the 'a' and the 'h'.
I can prove it..............
There, you learned something today!
Laverda Bomber
Hero member
At least we don't need the ZOOM function on that one Drikko!!! 
T
Terry Dymond
Guest
E-mail from the CO, HMS Excellent, which is a ?stone? frigate sited on Whale Island at Portsmouth Harbour and Headquarters, Commander-in-Chief Fleet. Like it ....
COLOURS / SUNSET PROTOCOL (PLUS CO EXCELLENT TOP TIP) - All uniformed personnel are to note that standing to attention (plus saluting if the mainmast is in view) when colours or sunset is piped is not an optional choice - and please remind others if you see that this requirement is not being met.
Top CO's tip - if you are an officer who has decided to ignore this requirement and you are picked up by an individual in civilian clothes who sounds like a retired Vice Admiral and looks like a retired Vice Admiral then my top tip is that you make a calculated assumption that he probably is a retired Vice Admiral (and a response along the lines of ?what's it to you old man?? is not recommended as was the case last week).
COLOURS / SUNSET PROTOCOL (PLUS CO EXCELLENT TOP TIP) - All uniformed personnel are to note that standing to attention (plus saluting if the mainmast is in view) when colours or sunset is piped is not an optional choice - and please remind others if you see that this requirement is not being met.
Top CO's tip - if you are an officer who has decided to ignore this requirement and you are picked up by an individual in civilian clothes who sounds like a retired Vice Admiral and looks like a retired Vice Admiral then my top tip is that you make a calculated assumption that he probably is a retired Vice Admiral (and a response along the lines of ?what's it to you old man?? is not recommended as was the case last week).