This week's joke

18.jpg
 
The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the EU - rather than German (the other possibility). As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5-year phase-in of new rules, which would apply to the language and reclassify it as Euro-English.

The agreed upon plan is as follows:

In year 1, the soft 'c' would be replaced by 's'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil-servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be replaced by 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' is replaced by 'f'. This will reduse 'fotograf' by 20%.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is digrasful and they should eliminat them.

By year 4, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' (saving mor keyboard spas). During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o" kan be dropd from vords Kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters (i.e., 'ea').

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or dificulties and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.
 
I thought 'this weeks joke' was the best place for this, however it is true:

I have a new exciting project at the moment - courtesy of the Australian Government. They have come up with a brilliant idea, anyone that leaves money in a savings account for 3 years without touching it obviously 'doesn't need it anymore' so the money is transferred to the Australian Government and the account closed. I predict lots of angry people.

I am busy wading through forms galore, trying to get $5000+ back in my mothers account. Ha ha ha ha - very funny :D
The bank says they sent a letter, but no such thing happened. Mums livid!

Mind you one lady 'lost' $157,000 recently:

http://www.news.com.au/national-news/queensland/brisbane-woman-has-had-more-than-150000-taken-from-bank-account-under-recent-law-changes/story-fnii5v6w-1226654782499

http://beforeitsnews.com/self-sufficiency/2013/03/australian-government-set-to-seize-money-from-citizens-bank-accounts-2453940.html

Mind boggling stuff!


 
This one is in fact true, it has been law for a very long time. Successive governments keep shortening the time though. I thought it was longer than 3 years though. Seems way too short in my mind.
 
Afraid it is 3 years Drikko, down from 7 years as from end of May 2013.

10 years in UK, and similar in other countries. But the big difference is that the money is not frozen or suspended in a dormant account at the Bank, it goes straight to the Australian Government coffers. The Australian Securities and Investments Commission (ASIC) is left to pick up the pieces and fend off the angry hourds. They also sort out any claims, so they will be busy bee's.

 
SimonR501 said:
Afraid it is 3 years Drikko, down from 7 years as from end of May 2013.

10 years in UK, and similar in other countries. But the big difference is that the money is not frozen or suspended in a dormant account at the Bank, it goes straight to the Australian Government coffers. The Australian Securities and Investments Commission (ASIC) is left to pick up the pieces and fend off the angry hourds. They also sort out any claims, so they will be busy bee's.
Click to expand...

This is some kind of fake news story? How are you supposed to maintain any savings without risk of loss?
 
If the account is used in any way ie money in or out other than interest at least every 3 years then no problem. It's only dormant accounts. Still sucks though.

 
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since high school.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses, she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Kansas and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at WalMart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
__________________
 
Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other  filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team, but today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'



 
A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.

A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled, "If you're about to kill yourself, how about a root before you go?"

The woman was angry and said,
"No! Fuck off you filthy old bastard."

The tramp turned to leave and said, "No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."
 
Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other  filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team, but today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'
Click to expand...


True Story:
My wife lived in Washington, DC many years ago, in a rather seedy neighborhood not far from Georgetown.  She noticed that every morning, a group of street workers would come into the neighborhood, block off traffic, and tear up the street surface.  The next morning, the same group would come back, block off traffic, and repair the hole they had created the day before.  After a few days of this, the routine would be repeated further down the block, with a different group of workers.  The street was a quilt of patches.  Suspecting this was an example of the (in)famous DC corruption and incompetence, she finally asked the foreman what was going on.  He explained that their crews needed to learn to tear up and repair streets in an actual urban environment with traffic, pedestrians, animals, etc. and they decided to practice on that specific street because nobody of importance lived there to complain, traffic was light, and they could close it off and practice every day without anybody calling the mayor.  Over the next two weeks she watched them slowly dig/destroy/repair their way down the block, around the corner, and out of sight.

Cheers,
Patrick Cherry
Ojai, CA  USA
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top