This weeks joke

I was just reminiscing with a mate two days ago about a pub we used to frequent. He reminded me of the day I missed the dartboard.

One day we’d been there for some time. In a wobbly state, he bet me I couldn’t throw a dart into the dart board, with my back to the board. 🤔

Challenge on, the whole pub pissed themselves 🤦when the dart missed the board completely but hit a picture of a bloke, numerous regulars were pictured at the bar, individually framed, mounted above the dartboard.

The glass broke and the dart was hanging out of the bloke.

After the publicans wife cleaned up the glass, I wrote on a coaster “sorry” climbed on the bar and mounted it behind the pictures glass.

A week or so later, Al, the publican, pulled me to one side.

“Mate, we have a bit of a problem. The guy in the picture, his brother came in, saw the picture and flew off the handle, and yelled he’d kill whoever did it”

Seems his brother died not long after the picture was taken.

Nobody ever told him who the culprit was….
 
A FLORIDA Highway Patrol officer stops a man on a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. But, to play around with him the officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a 'nut case' on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.'
I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.


In case anyone is a wee bit confused ......... a Johnson is another name for Willy or if you are French .... Bite (Sa bite se durcit sous les caresses.)
 
A big city New York lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's shin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man's nose. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
 
so, on my advice a pal has got his IOM ferry booking in place for 2024, but a fortnight later his fiancee reminds him that the wedding date clashes, so if anyone wants to take his place the church is in Oxford and she will be the one wearing a long white dress.

CLEM
 
CLEMTOG said:
so, on my advice a pal has got his IOM ferry booking in place for 2024, but a fortnight later his fiancee reminds him that the wedding date clashes, so if anyone wants to take his place the church is in Oxford and she will be the one wearing a long white dress.

CLEM
Click to expand...
Please send pics!! LOL
 
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