chrisk
Hero member
- Location
- Brisbane, Australia
sweetas said:So many Pussy puns come to mind!! It is so difficult to restrain......
Bring 'em on mate .......... Cam will appreciate them.
This weeks joke
- Thread starter chrisk
- Start date
Bring 'em on mate .......... Cam will appreciate them.
Gerald
Hero member
Here ya go Cam 
A much longer explanation than the joke itself (which is probably a mercy) - In English law there is the offence of common assault, which comprises two parts - assault and battery. Taking the example of someone taking a swing at someone else, the assault is complete when the victim fears imminent injury, whether the blow makes contact or not. The battery part is complete when the blow connects.
I once arrested a man for battery - the Sergeant told me to put him in a dry cell and charge him in the morning.
A much longer explanation than the joke itself (which is probably a mercy) - In English law there is the offence of common assault, which comprises two parts - assault and battery. Taking the example of someone taking a swing at someone else, the assault is complete when the victim fears imminent injury, whether the blow makes contact or not. The battery part is complete when the blow connects.
I once arrested a man for battery - the Sergeant told me to put him in a dry cell and charge him in the morning.
D
Davo
Guest
Gerald said:
I'm positive that a bright spark would have had that wired.
Alan
Senior member
- Location
- Northern Ireland
Sounds like some sort of short circuit to me.
chrisk
Hero member
- Location
- Brisbane, Australia
All power to him.
Shajota
Hero member
- Location
- Whitsundays Qld
Did you hear about the New Zealander who thought a Royal Enfield was somewhere the queen keeps her chickens
Andy
Hero member
- Location
- Auckland, roughly
Shajota
Hero member
- Location
- Whitsundays Qld
chrisk
Hero member
- Location
- Brisbane, Australia
Someone taking a dump on a blokes head isn't very funny Peter! 
Shajota
Hero member
- Location
- Whitsundays Qld
chrisk said:Someone taking a dump on a blokes head isn't very funny Peter!
Hey Chris, have you ever done one of those Ink blot tests?
I think the real you is nearly there, just a bit more coaxing...................... :-X
D
Davo
Guest
Shajota said:Hey Chris, have you ever done one of those Ink blot tests?
I think the real you is nearly there, just a bit more coaxing...................... :-X
You weren't thinking, shit...head, were you?
Shajota
Hero member
- Location
- Whitsundays Qld
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a bloody duck!"
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a bloody duck!"
Lav the impala
Senior member
Scientists Discover New Element
By Jose Luis Preza
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university physicists. The element, tentatively named "Administratium," has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 70 vice neutrons, and 161 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 247. These 247 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called "morons." Since it has no electrons, Administratium, is inert.
However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact. According to discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium added to one reaction caused it to take over four days to complete. Without the Administratium, the reaction occurs in less than one second. Administratium has a half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies seem to show that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
Research indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate in certain locations such as governments, large corporations, and especially in universities. It can usually be found polluting the best appointed and best maintained buildings. Scientists warn that Administratium is known to be toxic and recommend plenty of alcoholic fluids followed by bed rest after even low levels of exposure.
By Jose Luis Preza
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university physicists. The element, tentatively named "Administratium," has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 70 vice neutrons, and 161 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 247. These 247 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called "morons." Since it has no electrons, Administratium, is inert.
However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact. According to discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium added to one reaction caused it to take over four days to complete. Without the Administratium, the reaction occurs in less than one second. Administratium has a half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies seem to show that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
Research indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate in certain locations such as governments, large corporations, and especially in universities. It can usually be found polluting the best appointed and best maintained buildings. Scientists warn that Administratium is known to be toxic and recommend plenty of alcoholic fluids followed by bed rest after even low levels of exposure.
lawrence
Hero member
- Location
- Idaho, USA
Here's a sad example of the witch hunt caused by the flood of sexual abuse
allegations:
A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical school and training has been
fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can
no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, effort, training and
money. He's still paying off his school loans. This just goes to show you,
one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts and prayers for him and his
family.
He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.
allegations:
A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical school and training has been
fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can
no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, effort, training and
money. He's still paying off his school loans. This just goes to show you,
one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts and prayers for him and his
family.
He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.
Simonr501
Hero member
- Location
- Lympne, Kent. UK
I don't know Lawrence!
You sleep with one goat and that's it!
You sleep with one goat and that's it!
helicopterjim
Hero member
- Location
- near Lone Butte, BC, Canada
Happens a lot to morticians as well.
Shajota
Hero member
- Location
- Whitsundays Qld
chrisk
Hero member
- Location
- Brisbane, Australia
helicopterjim said:
It shouldn't anymore: Necrophilia is fucking dead
While riding my bike yesterday, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, ?Get in and I?ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.?
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I?m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I?ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my bike, I guess."
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, ?Get in and I?ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.?
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I?m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I?ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my bike, I guess."