This weeks joke

So I woke up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs.
😢

I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home. (Don't judge me
😒
)
Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.
😳
 
This is more an anecdote than a joke, true story.
There was once a cook in the Australian Submarine Squadron by the name of Snowy. Snowy unfortunately went on 'Eternal Patrol' recently but this is one of his many escapades.
Snowy ended up one night drinking in an Army mess and as the name implies, things started to get messy. One of the pongoes (Navy speak for soldiers) was a bit of a braggart and started boasting about all the weapons he had fired in his brilliant career; 9mm Brownings, SLRs, Steyers, M60s, AK47s etc. etc.. Snowy was getting slightly peeved by all the grandstanding and quietly asked the bloke if he could make RBG at 600. The pongo was mystified and admitted that he had never heard of such a weapon.
Snowy replied; no, no, no; can you make Rich Brown Gravy at 600 feet depth?
The pongo was not amused.
 
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales
representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers
and says,
"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your
recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.
However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and
we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential
customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."
"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out
all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms,
flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of
aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a
respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all
over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking,
and asked for aspirin?"
 
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
 

A guy with a 25-inch ‘member’ went to a doctor and said,​

“I can’t live with this ‘thing’ anymore! It’s too long.”​

The doctor replied,​

“I can’t do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the village, she can help you.”​

So, he went to the village and saw the witch doctor.​

The witch doctor said,​

“Go into the swamp and find a female frog.​

Ask her to marry you.​

She’ll say “No”, and you’ll lose 5 inches off your member!”​

So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her,​

“Will you marry me?”​

“No!”, she said.​

He lost 5 inches off his member!​

The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is still too much.​

So he asked the frog again,​

“Will you marry me?”​

The frog said, “No!” And the guy lost another 5 inches.​

He thought, Good, 15 inches is great, but 10 inches would just be perfect.​

So he asked,​

“Will you marry me?”​

And the frog said,​

How many times do I have to tell you……… ..NO! NO! NO!”​

 
Never fart in a lift....it`s wrong on so many levels
In the park the other day and saw an old man feeding the birds...not sure how long he`d been dead for...

Jimmy Cricket on the radio having a driving lesson:
Instructor"Have you looked in the mirror"?
JC:"No I haven`t seen the papers today"
Instructor "What gear are you in"?
JC " T-shirt and jeans"
Instructor " Have you got anything behind you"?
JC "A couple of hundred in the building society"
 
TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!'
DROP SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'SON OF A BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
 
BlackJota said:
TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!'
DROP SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'SON OF A BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Click to expand...
Had an uncle with 2 wooden legs who had a job as a night watchmen in a factory. One night the factory caught on fire. they managed to put the fire out but unfortunately..................my uncle burnt to the ground
 
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