This weeks joke

Paraprosdokians, figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

7. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay checks.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put "DOCTOR."

11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street...with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

16. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

17. There's a fine line between cuddling and...holding someone down so they can't get away.

18. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

19. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

24. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but now it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.
 
  • I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. –Groucho Marx

  • He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. –Zsa Zsa Gabor

  • I haven’t slept for 10 days, because that would be too long. –Mitch Hedberg

  • Standing in the park today, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me. –Stewart Francis

  • When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. –Rodney Dangerfield

  • My husband can't stand to see trash and garbage lying around the house – he can't stand the competition. –Phyllis Diller

  • Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. –George Carlin

  • There are three kinds of people in the world – those who can count, and those who can’t. –Unknown

  • I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it. –Jack Handey

  • The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. –Milton Berle

  • I’m a very tolerant man, except when it comes to holding a grudge. –Robin Williams

  • I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking,'”but I don't have that much time. –Stephen Wright

  • Always remember my grandfather’s last words: “A truck!” –Emo Phillips

  • Half of all marriages end in divorce—and then there are the really unhappy ones. –Joan Rivers
 
not quite accurate Piranha bro, but we know the one you mean you mean. "Mr. Chruchill yo are drunk, yes Mrs Boothroyd, and you are incredibly ugly but in the morning I will be sober" probably not still bang on, but cant be bothered to look it up.

"if you ride a motorcycle you will never need a shrink"
(Steve McQueen)
this works, I have had to test it a couple of times lately.

"a second class ride is always better than a first class walk"
Jim, local farmer

"its no coincidence that the first three letters of diet are DIE!
Tom Kerridge (former 30 stone chef, now 16 stone)

"It is better to be caught with a gun, when you don't need it, than caught without one when you you do"
Bobby Cummins member of Kray gang.

"Trying may be the first step to failure, not trying guarantees it"
myself
 
CLEMTOG said:
not quite accurate Piranha bro, but we know the one you mean you mean. "Mr. Chruchill yo are drunk, yes Mrs Boothroyd, and you are incredibly ugly but in the morning I will be sober" probably not still bang on, but cant be bothered to look it up.
Click to expand...
Yeah, I deliberately ad-libbed, Clem - thought my precis version was tidier!
 
Winston Churchill was also credited with a rant against one of his speech editors who kept rearranging his sentences to avoid them ending with a preposition. He said something like, "this is the sort of thing up with which I shall not put!" As a bit of a grammar pedant, that one amuses me.

Sir Winnie had a good sense of humour and a sharp wit. He was awarded the The Nobel Prize for Literature not long after WW2. There are a lot of good Churchill quotes on the web. It's worth a look on Google.
 
Dellortoman said:
Winston Churchill was also credited with a rant against one of his speech editors who kept rearranging his sentences to avoid them ending with a preposition. He said something like, "this is the sort of thing up with which I shall not put!" As a bit of a grammar pedant, that one amuses me.

Sir Winnie had a good sense of humour and a sharp wit. He was awarded the The Nobel Prize for Literature not long after WW2. There are a lot of good Churchill quotes on the web. It's worth a look on Google.
Click to expand...
I liked the one where Churchill supposedly asked Lady Astor if she would sleep with him for five million pounds. She said: "I suppose so". He then asks if she would for five pounds. She replied: "What do you think I am?" To which he responded: "We have already established that, we are just haggling over the price!"
 
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
 
Reading a book called 'The Last Expedition' about Stanley's (of Livingstone fame) disastrous expedition through the Congo and it reminded me of a joke I heard years ago:

Two intrepid English explorers are stumbling through the jungles of darkest Africa when they are captured and accused of violating the local tribe's sacred sites.
They are hauled up in front of the chief to hear there fate. 'There are two punishments that you must suffer for your transgressions' the chief states, 'either death or ungabunga, you chose'.
The two explorers discuss which punishment to choose and who is going first.
One steps up and states that he chooses ungabunga. He is grabbed, held down on the ground and every male in the tribe has his wicked way with him.
The second explorer, being a fine upper class gentleman with a reputation to maintain is aghast.
He fronts up to the chief with his dignity intact and states 'As a true Englishman, I choose death'!
The chief is impressed by the explorer's courage and grants the explorer's last wish.
Death by ungabunga.
After reading the above book, I could well believe something like that did happen.
 
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