This weeks joke

And Richard reminded me of a favourite:
When we lived on the coast, Mother used to get paranoid about the possibility of seagulls dirtying her washing, when it was on the line.
If a seagull came anywhere close, she'd run out screeching to chase it away.
On one occasion, a seagull evacuated on her face.
"Get me some toilet paper!" she howled to us kids.
From the deckchair Dad said, quietly, " There's no point, it'll be miles away by now."
 
Eddie Braben, the writer for Morecambe and Wise was a complete headcase. Originally from Liverpool he retired to North Wales. He told the story once he was standing on a hillside overlooking his village when a couple passed him whilst hill walking and said how beautiful it was. Eddie told them he lived in the village and after further discussion the wife asked Eddie what he did for a living, to which he replied 'I'm the village idiot.'

How he must of missed feeding Eric Morecambe with one liners after he passed away....
 
C/O Irish comedian Dave Allen
A man was about to walk into a pub in Ireland when he spotted a nun stood outside.
The nun pointed at him and shouted" If you drink alcohol you will burn in hell,burn in hell,drink is the work of the devil!!!"
The man says how do you know this,have you ever had a drink yourself?
"No" says the nun,"I would not let a drop pass my lips".
"Well how do you know then?" says the man,"If you had a drink you could then decide and if you didn`t like it you would be justified in what you`re saying"
"Well maybe" says the nun "What would a woman normally drink?"
"you could try gin" says the man.
"OK" says the nun,"but bring it to me in a cup , so no-one will know"
The man walks into the pub and says to the landlord behind the bar "A pint of beer , and also a double gin , but could you put it in a cup please".
The landlord goes "Is that bloody nun outside again???".......
 
At this morning’s old bikers’ brunch gathering one of the elder members announced, “I heard a loud crash in the house yesterday and rushed to the garage to check one of the bikes hadn’t fallen over. To my relief none had, it was just the wife falling down the stairs.”
Apologies if it’s an old one....
 
Andy J said:
At this morning’s old bikers’ brunch gathering one of the elder members announced, “I heard a loud crash in the house yesterday and rushed to the garage to check one of the bikes hadn’t fallen over. To my relief none had, it was just the wife falling down the stairs.”
Apologies if it’s an old one....
Click to expand...
Apologies to the old wife?
 
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