This week's joke

A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job ", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee
and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

 
A last joke to say farewell...

1st Mayan civil servant to a second Mayan civil servant
"Come on lets have a beer - it wont be the end of the world if we never finish this calendar!"
 
Dear santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, are fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that Christmas day.

Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones




Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs Claus, the reindeer, and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy I think I'll bring you something that you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus



Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respecfully,
Tim Jones



Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and is in no way a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well, that is your right. Please know however my attornies have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterberger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health but also your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of a Burger King fry bin.

Very truly yours,
S Claus




Now look here Fat Man,
I told you wHat I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waitin' for your fat ass and I'm takin' my game console, my game, my phone, an' whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone




Listen Pizza Face,
Seiously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world in one night and never gets caught sweats a fat G-Banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake": Sound familiar genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal? I got your shit wired Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them to you now, you'd throw up your pizza all over your Mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that Petunia.

S Clizzy




Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy




That's what I thought, you little bastard.

Santa
 
I've just bought a bottle of salad dressing with a use-by date of 21 December.

I think it must be Mayanais.

Bob

PS People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow....!
 
Be safe always, especially over the impending holiday period: Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study 
conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor 
Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by arseholes who drink 
bottled water, coffee, soda, juice, energy drinks and shit like that.
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol.
They cause three times as many accidents.
This message is sent to you by someone who is a social drinker and 
worries about your safety.
 
Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night,  a drunk Kiwi led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass  gong hanging on the wall .

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking  Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.



His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For fuck's sake, you stupid Kiwi prick. It's ten past three in the morning!!!?





 
Last time I'll let the MIL  on the back.....

YIP-2012-16.ss_full.jpg
 
FIVE SURGEONS
The first, a Manchester surgeon, says "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.

The second, a Liverpool surgeon, responds "Yeah, but you should try electricians! everything inside them is colour coded "

The third, Newcastle surgeon, says " No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order "

The fourth, a Birmingham surgeon, chimes in " You know, I like construction workers.... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over "

But the fifth, a London surgeon, shuts them all up when he observed: " You are all wrong, politicians are the easiest to operate on. There?s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and the head and the rear end are interchangeable.
 
Moving to El Paso?

This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for El Paso. Jim was
sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was
an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the
matter?" Jim asked.

"I've been transferred to El Paso. There are crazy people there.
They've got lots of shootings, gangs, drugs, poor public schools, and
one of the highest crime rates in the nation. And it's even worse
across the border in Juarez."

Jim replied, "I've lived in El Paso all my life. It's not as bad as the
media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and
enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as
anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been
worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your
word for it. What do you do for a living?"







"I'm tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
 
another pan joke

working on my Pan today, just tinkering, I said , "I dont know what I would do if this thing stopped by the roadside, you could not even change a throttle cable if it broke without full workshop support"
answer
" just phone *Mick Gould recovery* "


CLEM
*google*
 
CLEMTOG said:
another pan joke

working on my Pan today, just tinkering, I said , "I dont know what I would do if this thing stopped by the roadside, you could not even change a throttle cable if it broke without full workshop support"
answer
" just phone *Mick Gould recovery* "


CLEM
*google*
Click to expand...

Might have to explain that one for me Clem... :-X :-X
 
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