This week's joke

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a whisky.
Not a good idea!
Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.
Sure enough, I passed a police road block, but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.
I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it.
 
50 Sheds of Grey.... one for the 'girls'..or CK, coz he's partial to this type of thing.. :P

She stood before me, trembling in my shed. I'm yours for the night she gasped, you can do whatever you want with me.. So I took her to Bunnings..

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder, until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot..

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, shackles and chains. She still manages to get into the shed though..

Put on this mask and rubber suit I told her. Mmm kinky she purred.. Yes I said, you can't be too careful with that asbestos in the shed roof..

I'm a very naughty girl, she said biting her lip, and I need to be punished.. So I invited my Mum over for the weekend..

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out the shed window. Despite my concerns the rhubarb had come up a treat..

Hurt me she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over the workbench. OK I said.. you've got fat ankles and lousy dress sense..

Are you sure you want this I asked. When I'm done you won't be able to sit down for weeks. She nodded. OK I said as I put the 3 piece lounge suite on E-bay..

Punish me she cried. Make me suffer like only a real man can. Very well I replied, leaving the toilet seat up..

Harder she cried gripping the workbench tightly..harder.! Righto I said, what's the gross national product of Nicaragua..?

We tried various positions..round the back, up against the wall, on the side.. but eventually decided that the bottom of the garden was the best place for the new shed..
 
LaverdaIan said:
50 Sheds of Grey.... one for the 'girls'..or CK, coz he's partial to this type of thing.. :P

She stood before me, trembling in my shed. I'm yours for the night she gasped, you can do whatever you want with me.. So I took her to Bunnings..

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder, until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot..

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, shackles and chains. She still manages to get into the shed though..

Put on this mask and rubber suit I told her. Mmm kinky she purred.. Yes I said, you can't be too careful with that asbestos in the shed roof..

I'm a very naughty girl, she said biting her lip, and I need to be punished.. So I invited my Mum over for the weekend..

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out the shed window. Despite my concerns the rhubarb had come up a treat..

Hurt me she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over the workbench. OK I said.. you've got fat ankles and lousy dress sense..

Are you sure you want this I asked. When I'm done you won't be able to sit down for weeks. She nodded. OK I said as I put the 3 piece lounge suite on E-bay..

Punish me she cried. Make me suffer like only a real man can. Very well I replied, leaving the toilet seat up..

Harder she cried gripping the workbench tightly..harder.! Righto I said, what's the gross national product of Nicaragua..?

We tried various positions..round the back, up against the wall, on the side.. but eventually decided that the bottom of the garden was the best place for the new shed..
Click to expand...

Somehow I missed this ................. you really buggered it up by adding poor ending. I was getting all flustered and was about to reach for Mr Buzzy-Buzzy until that point, you have a really nice way oif writing, arsehole. :D
 
Son said to Dad "I'm  Gay."
Dad looks at his other son and said "What about you?"
Other son said "Me too Dad."
Dad said "F*** me, doesn't anyone in this f***ing family like pussy?"
The Daughter said "I do."


10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates St Peter  says "If any of you are Paedophiles you can f**k off down to Hell."
Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out "And take this deaf bastard with you."


In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing.
We were all having a  good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said "I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits."
I said "Sorry mate.  Did he drown?"
"No," he said, "he choked on a sock."




My mate reckons he always cries after sex.  Mind you....he is in Prison.


The wife came out of the bathroom and said "I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you?"
I said "Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again."


Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club.  He Looked like a woman.  Smelled like a woman.  Danced like a woman.  Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement.! That's when I thought "F***ing wait a minute."


I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, couldn't  stop laughing. .then said, "That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"
"Not really." he said.  "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

 
"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church, but not so hot in a Mexican prison.
 
A man goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says "Hello!". He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he
knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I
think you're the father of one of my kids.' Puzzled, his mind eventually
travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and
he says 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party who I made love to
on the pool table with all my friends watching, while your partner whipped
my bum with wet celery?' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No,
I'm your son's teacher."
 
Already posted on 27th November.
Keep up at the back there Lothar!   :D :D
 
7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from athletics after they tested positive for WD40 at the Paralympics

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A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
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Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's  Riots....Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon.

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2 indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine, both in hospital...one's in a korma.. the other's got a dodgy tikka!

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Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth .
 
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seatmate. "Hey, bitch," said the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle and the parrot pipes up again: "Goddammit, you lazy whore where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.

The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."
 
jotacorsa said:
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seatmate. "Hey, bitch," said the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle and the parrot pipes up again: "Goddammit, you lazy whore where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.

The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."
Click to expand...


Now that is the joke of my week... the bloke that posted that should have a few more good ones in him.

Yogi
 
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