Ernesto
Hero member
- Location
- Hamburg, Germany
With a little luck it can even be great fun....
www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=UDcoMzdSGDI
Ernesto
This week's joke
- Thread starter Rufustbear
- Start date
www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=UDcoMzdSGDI
Ernesto
Dellortoman
Hero member
- Location
- Tasmania, Australia
I'm a bit philistine when it comes to poetry. I find Shakespeare, Whitman, Kipling, Burns, Keats, et al, all quite tedious.
I'd not heard of Bill Kearns before, but it would seem that his folk poetry transcends all that self-indilgent "classic" wank. That was the most expressive and enjoyable poem I've heard in a very long time.
I'd not heard of Bill Kearns before, but it would seem that his folk poetry transcends all that self-indilgent "classic" wank. That was the most expressive and enjoyable poem I've heard in a very long time.
DoC!
Hero member
Teacher is about to start her English class with a group of 6 years olds.
Pay attention please children. Today we are going to think up sentences containing the word 'definitely'.
Seeing Johnny wriggling around on his chair, she asks him to give the class a sentence with the word 'definitely' in.
Johnny, who looks rather sheepish and takes a long time to answer says:
"Miss, should farts have lumps in them?"
Teacher, who is rather annoyed he didn't answer the question replies:
"Why of course they shouldn't Johnny."
"Oh feck, then I've DEFINITELY just shit myself."
Happy New Year
Cheers
DoC!
Pay attention please children. Today we are going to think up sentences containing the word 'definitely'.
Seeing Johnny wriggling around on his chair, she asks him to give the class a sentence with the word 'definitely' in.
Johnny, who looks rather sheepish and takes a long time to answer says:
"Miss, should farts have lumps in them?"
Teacher, who is rather annoyed he didn't answer the question replies:
"Why of course they shouldn't Johnny."
"Oh feck, then I've DEFINITELY just shit myself."
Happy New Year
Cheers
DoC!
DoC!
Hero member
Yup! Just a great show. You mean to tell me you lot got it over there too?
Besides, all jokes come from somewhere.
Cheers
DoC!
Laverda SF
Hero member
HAPPY NEW YEAR ;o)
Laverda Bomber
Hero member
Hadn't seen that for honks!
Fuckin' iPhones! Try Yonks!
Bloody brilliant!
Fuckin' iPhones! Try Yonks!
Bloody brilliant!
Laverda Bomber
Hero member
Drikko...
They are seriously long stairs.
I watched that for 5 minutes and you know they never got to the bottom...
Go figure???
They are seriously long stairs.
I watched that for 5 minutes and you know they never got to the bottom...
Go figure???
D
Davo
Guest
SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant all her friends touch her stomach and say, "congratulations."
But none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "good job."
Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated.
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it?s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole?s name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it?s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant all her friends touch her stomach and say, "congratulations."
But none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "good job."
Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated.
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it?s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole?s name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it?s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
The Three Dellortos
Hero member
Davo
Kiwi Laverda
Hero member
- Location
- The wobbly bit of New Zealand
When I bought my iphone, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a mobile phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting World.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of my entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I now keep my iphone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the supermarket or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I used it once when I was standing in line at Coles talking to my wife and everyone within 50 mtrs was glaring at me. I had taken out my hearing aid to use it, and I was talking little loud!
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn when possible. Then if I made a right turn instead, well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross roads and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the supermarkets. You would think they could make a decision themselves, but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just leaves me confused. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking stupid, but I never remember to take them with me.
Now when they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet.
I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
Us senior citizens don't need any more gadgets....
The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting World.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of my entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I now keep my iphone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the supermarket or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I used it once when I was standing in line at Coles talking to my wife and everyone within 50 mtrs was glaring at me. I had taken out my hearing aid to use it, and I was talking little loud!
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn when possible. Then if I made a right turn instead, well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross roads and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the supermarkets. You would think they could make a decision themselves, but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just leaves me confused. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking stupid, but I never remember to take them with me.
Now when they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet.
I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
Us senior citizens don't need any more gadgets....
The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
henry
Hero member
- Location
- bottom left hand corner of germany
for all the trendy greenies we old geezers get strange looks from:
Being Green...
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.
The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."
The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."
She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were truly recycled.
But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.
But too bad we didn't do the green thing back then.
We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
Being Green...
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.
The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."
The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."
She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were truly recycled.
But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.
But too bad we didn't do the green thing back then.
We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
Gerald
Hero member
The novel ?Fifty Shades Of Grey? has seduced women ? and baffled blokes. Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...
Fifty Sheds Of Grey
We tried various positions ? round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
?I?m yours for the night,? she gasped, ?You can do whatever you want with me.?
So I took her to Bunning?s.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
Ever since she read THAT book, I?ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
?Put on this rubber suit and mask,? I instructed, calmly.
?Mmmm, kinky!? she purred.
?Yes,? I said, ?You can?t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.?
?I?m a very naughty girl,? she said, biting her lip. ?I need to be punished.?
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
?Harder!? she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. ?Harder!?
?Okay,? I said. ?What?s the gross national product of Nicaragua??
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
?Are you sure you can take the pain?? she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
?I think so,? I gulped. ?Here we go, then,? she said, and showed me the receipt.
?Hurt me!? she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
?Very well,? I replied. ?You?ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.?
?Are you sure you want this?? I asked. ?When I?m done, you won?t be able to sit down for weeks.?
She nodded.
?Okay,? I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
?Punish me!? she cried. ?Make me suffer like only a real man can!?
?Very well,? I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
Fifty Sheds Of Grey
We tried various positions ? round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
?I?m yours for the night,? she gasped, ?You can do whatever you want with me.?
So I took her to Bunning?s.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
Ever since she read THAT book, I?ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
?Put on this rubber suit and mask,? I instructed, calmly.
?Mmmm, kinky!? she purred.
?Yes,? I said, ?You can?t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.?
?I?m a very naughty girl,? she said, biting her lip. ?I need to be punished.?
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
?Harder!? she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. ?Harder!?
?Okay,? I said. ?What?s the gross national product of Nicaragua??
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
?Are you sure you can take the pain?? she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
?I think so,? I gulped. ?Here we go, then,? she said, and showed me the receipt.
?Hurt me!? she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
?Very well,? I replied. ?You?ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.?
?Are you sure you want this?? I asked. ?When I?m done, you won?t be able to sit down for weeks.?
She nodded.
?Okay,? I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
?Punish me!? she cried. ?Make me suffer like only a real man can!?
?Very well,? I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
T
Terry Dymond
Guest
Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is .......... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'
Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest.
Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........
'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.
This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....
NO, The duck didn't say THAT !
... Don't be SO disgusting!
The duck said 'I am a DRAKE, you made a MISTAKE!!
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is .......... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'
Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest.
Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........
'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.
This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....
NO, The duck didn't say THAT !
... Don't be SO disgusting!
The duck said 'I am a DRAKE, you made a MISTAKE!!
T
Terry Dymond
Guest
Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them. "Bollocks to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"
T
Terry Dymond
Guest
A female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Feinberg", he replied
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims, I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop, I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"And how do you feel Sir, after doing this for 60 years?"
"It's like talking to a fecking brick wall."
"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Feinberg", he replied
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims, I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop, I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"And how do you feel Sir, after doing this for 60 years?"
"It's like talking to a fecking brick wall."