This weeks joke

This is not really a joke, but it's absolutely true. There was a bloke on ABC radio today talking about the effects of floods on his farm. His name was  ? wait for it ? Andrew Freshwater  :D
 
Last day in the office before the Xmas break.
 

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A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Donegal and he lived in Kerry . Paddy consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Marks and Spencer?s and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Marks and Spencer?s had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Paddy unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Paddy sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Patrick
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
 
And just to completely stuff your brain for Xmas.

 

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Wife , made me crab paste butties for my diner yesterday , sat down and ate them , fucking hell they tasted shit , when i got home i said , where did you buy that crab paste from , it was awful, said said , chemists ,why.
 
P1: Hey, what's the difference between crabs and crayfish?

P2: Crabs walk sideways, crayfish walk backwards.

P1: Ah rats, that sheila last night gave me crayfish.
 
True story: My son got up after a late night out ....... complaining about the termites in the house.
I told him we don?t have termites, what was he on about?
He told me he had termites in his pubes ......... I said, I think you have crabs.
He walked off saying..... that f,ing bitch, and to think I even went down on her!

 
  Bloody hell!!!

Every year Simon entered the State Lottery hoping to win. He never did. Finally he prayed vigorously, seeking Devine guidance.

One day while walking around at the Albury and district show(fair), a flash of lightning hit while he was walking past Suzzie's stall. She was bending over and Simon noticed she was not wearing any knickers. He could see the number 7 written on both cheeks!! "AN OMEN", he thought.

Simon rushed out and bought a lottery ticket 77. This was truly the gift he had hoped for.

Sadly he lost again!!! The winning number was 707.


The moral of the story???.. "NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE IMPORTANCE OF ARSEHOLES IN YOUR LIFE"!!!!
 
Sharks in WA are obviously sick of swimming and are now using boats to catch their prey.

"A Perth boatie has had the shark encounter of a lifetime, being stalked by four sharks, including a Great White, in an inflatable boat." from PerthNow
 
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