This weeks joke
- Thread starter chrisk
- Start date
Gerald
Hero member
Not totally sure of the military facts, but here we go.
At the end of World War Two, all American personnel at Burtonwood US base near Warrington Cheshire were informed that they could leave on military aircraft almost immediately. Which meant some soldiers leaving behind, girlfriends, cars, and simple items such as food in the fridge, etc. Robert Bailey seized on the offer, and flew via 3 stops to his US hometown of Griffin, Georgia. 22 years later on a vacation in England with his wife and 3 children he made the journey to Burtonwood to show his family where he was stationed, and took great delight in taking them into the local town where he identified that the grocery store was once a cinema, the doctors office was once a cafe, and the betting shop was now a car parts store. To his amazement he saw across the street the old shoe shop still standing, and he remembered, that purely as a souvenir, he had kept the stub from a pair of shoes that he had failed to collect when flying out years earlier. For some innocent mischief he walked into the store and without saying a word, presented the shoe repair stub to the 2 elderly gentleman employees in brown overalls, who then, together, proceeded to the rear of the store, muttering to themselves. After a few minutes they walked back to this US overseas visitor, handed him back the shoe repair stub, and said. ? They'll be ready on Thursday ?
At the end of World War Two, all American personnel at Burtonwood US base near Warrington Cheshire were informed that they could leave on military aircraft almost immediately. Which meant some soldiers leaving behind, girlfriends, cars, and simple items such as food in the fridge, etc. Robert Bailey seized on the offer, and flew via 3 stops to his US hometown of Griffin, Georgia. 22 years later on a vacation in England with his wife and 3 children he made the journey to Burtonwood to show his family where he was stationed, and took great delight in taking them into the local town where he identified that the grocery store was once a cinema, the doctors office was once a cafe, and the betting shop was now a car parts store. To his amazement he saw across the street the old shoe shop still standing, and he remembered, that purely as a souvenir, he had kept the stub from a pair of shoes that he had failed to collect when flying out years earlier. For some innocent mischief he walked into the store and without saying a word, presented the shoe repair stub to the 2 elderly gentleman employees in brown overalls, who then, together, proceeded to the rear of the store, muttering to themselves. After a few minutes they walked back to this US overseas visitor, handed him back the shoe repair stub, and said. ? They'll be ready on Thursday ?
WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
Lav the impala
Senior member
A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."
helicopterjim
Hero member
- Location
- near Lone Butte, BC, Canada
My girlfriend asked me if she was the only one I had ever slept with.
I said yes ...... the rest were mostly eight's, nine's and ten's.
I said yes ...... the rest were mostly eight's, nine's and ten's.
Lav the impala
Senior member
Hunter
Junior member
- Location
- Raleigh, NC USA
If you think that's bad you should live here with that rube in the big chair.Lav the impala said:
On another note, comedians here are struggling to keep up with the pace of material that he supplies.
Hunter
chrisk
Hero member
- Location
- Brisbane, Australia
Lav the impala said:
There are no Kangaroos in Austria. Are there Maurice?
Gerald
Hero member
I often wonder about ebay, and the algorithm used in the search.
My Laverda search came up with this result.
https://www.ebay.de/itm/Reliant-3-wheelers-technical-historical-literature-now-increased-to-14-items/193022051665?hash=item2cf102c551:g:mEAAAOSwkvtcBTuX
Did Dell Boy sells reconditioned 4C cams to Trigger at some point?
My Laverda search came up with this result.
https://www.ebay.de/itm/Reliant-3-wheelers-technical-historical-literature-now-increased-to-14-items/193022051665?hash=item2cf102c551:g:mEAAAOSwkvtcBTuX
Did Dell Boy sells reconditioned 4C cams to Trigger at some point?
Lav the impala
Senior member
Why You Never Question a Drunk
As a single woman, I was shopping at the local
supermarket - where I selected:
2 Litres of skim milk
A carton of eggs
A litre of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 500g jar of coffee
A 1Kg. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt
At the checkout, a drunk standing behind me watched
as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While
the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, "You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed
had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items
on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about
my selections that could have tipped off the drunk
to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "yes, you are
correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "?cause you're ugly."
As a single woman, I was shopping at the local
supermarket - where I selected:
2 Litres of skim milk
A carton of eggs
A litre of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 500g jar of coffee
A 1Kg. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt
At the checkout, a drunk standing behind me watched
as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While
the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, "You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed
had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items
on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about
my selections that could have tipped off the drunk
to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "yes, you are
correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "?cause you're ugly."
chrisk
Hero member
- Location
- Brisbane, Australia
Dellortoman
Hero member
- Location
- Tasmania, Australia
Legs
Hero member
- Location
- Adelaide Hills
Top 10 jokes from Edinburgh fringe this year....
- 1 Olaf Falafel
I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets.
- 2 Richard Stott
Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy."
- 3 Milton Jones
What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh.
- 4 Jake Lambert
A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. That's 20 cows'.
- 5 Ross Smith
A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it.
- 6 Ross Smith
Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning.
- 7 Adele Cliff
I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it.
- 8 Richard Pulsford
After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging.
- 9 Mark Simmons
To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian.
- 10 Ivo Graham
I've got an Eton-themed Advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts.
- 1 Olaf Falafel
I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets.
- 2 Richard Stott
Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy."
- 3 Milton Jones
What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh.
- 4 Jake Lambert
A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. That's 20 cows'.
- 5 Ross Smith
A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it.
- 6 Ross Smith
Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning.
- 7 Adele Cliff
I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it.
- 8 Richard Pulsford
After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging.
- 9 Mark Simmons
To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian.
- 10 Ivo Graham
I've got an Eton-themed Advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts.
Shajota
Hero member
- Location
- Whitsundays Qld
