This weeks joke

An Irish Miracle
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-side-down. So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes. He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy. "Oh my Lord," says Fr.Flanagan, "Dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle. Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle.
I'll have to report this matter
to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared.
There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out. Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"
 
Just watched an episode of 'Grand Designs', the house builder complained about having to have two hip replacements and other ailments, his building project catching fire and sundry disasters. That'll teach him to stick a Ducati 916 up on the wall as an ornament.
 
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Legs said:
Just watched an episode of 'Grand Designs', the house builder complained about having to have two hip replacements and other ailments, his building project catching fire and sundry disasters. That'll teach him to stick a Ducati 916 up on the wall as an ornament.
That was the weirdest episode of GD I've ever seen - very odd fellow. Saw it about 4 years ago and have never forgotten the 916 crucified to that wall  :-\ :o >:D
 
Wife accompanied her husband to the doctor?s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into the office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don?t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him."

"Don?t burden him with chores. Don?t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse."

"Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly."

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you?re going to die," she replied.
 
When a passenger of the foot hooves into sight I give them a wide berth. Don't want them obstacling my passage...  :o
 
A few oldies but goodies.........................

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business, when this FAT,
ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said,
"You're kinda cute.You got a phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you got a pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
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Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?
"Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."
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I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.?
I said, ?If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.?
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  I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. "Good legs!" I said!
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! ? Most tables would have collapsed by now."
 
        I understand they're putting viagra in sachets now so that you can put it into your tea or coffee, it doesn't do

        anything for your sex life, it just stops your biscuits going soggy.
 
An Irishman walks into the pub, with a car steering wheel on the front of his trousers - and orders a pint. The bartender eyes him up, serves him the pint and Paddy sups it, and orders another. After serving him again, the bartender asks him what is going on with the steering wheel - and Paddy says " Ahhh - yis sir, it's driving me fucking nuts"
 
Since LJ has set up a rival 'This Weeks Joke' thread I thought I would bump the 'real' one to the front of the queue.

A man goes into a pie shop and asks the shop assistant for a Steak & Kiddley pie!
'Don't you mean Kidney?' says the assistant.

'That's what I said Diddle I'?
 
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