The Sock
Hero member
- Location
- London, England
This weeks joke
- Thread starter chrisk
- Start date
Laverda SF
Hero member
I had drunken friends knock on my door at 3 am after he walked 5 miles in a pitch black storm wanting me to pull him out of a ditch - Of course I did, while feeding him coffee, and when it was done we drank lots of Scotch - Typical Northern Ontario stuff with NO COPS and NO Game Wardens - What's really funny I had to do the same for Cop's and Game Wardens - Not saying I was not reward favors in return for my hooligans.
Definition of "Scotch Free". After all I was a Traffic Controller and had to evoke regulations.
It was not my job to arrest (But I did have the power to do so - I was not allow to carry a weapon on duty). It was my job to guide employee's to follow the UCOR book, the Unicode of Operating Rules, for RTC (Rail Traffic Control) and ATC (Air Traffic Control) and that's just the basic rules before you get into rules regarding the transportation of various Safe and Dangerous commodities.
Needless to say a very nerve racking responsibility where you are responsible for lives on your shift- Not many Air and Railway Transportation Dispatchers last long enough on their job or collect a full retirement pension.
Apart from a particular Lassie, this job was a major part of my life - Both are equally devastating - Ce Levi ;o)
Definition of "Scotch Free". After all I was a Traffic Controller and had to evoke regulations.
It was not my job to arrest (But I did have the power to do so - I was not allow to carry a weapon on duty). It was my job to guide employee's to follow the UCOR book, the Unicode of Operating Rules, for RTC (Rail Traffic Control) and ATC (Air Traffic Control) and that's just the basic rules before you get into rules regarding the transportation of various Safe and Dangerous commodities.
Needless to say a very nerve racking responsibility where you are responsible for lives on your shift- Not many Air and Railway Transportation Dispatchers last long enough on their job or collect a full retirement pension.
Apart from a particular Lassie, this job was a major part of my life - Both are equally devastating - Ce Levi ;o)
Laverda SF
Hero member
It seems to me no Woman ever understood my job and the PTSD associated with it. It wasn't until I left my job at 38 that I married and after, still exhibited that sickness - Makes one feel very lonely.
Not saying that there are not a few Women traffic Controller out there but it's a Soul Eating pressurized Job.
After every shift, your on call after 8 hours rest, you can very well be in a life death scenario at any time.
I've worked on end for years on a 48 hour week, on call, at any hour (Of course the money is good) - Really something has to be done to safe our Traffic Controllers so you can be Safe !
I may ramble too much in my old age but I think Puppies might just get the drift of reality when one considers Life's a Joke - HIC
Not saying that there are not a few Women traffic Controller out there but it's a Soul Eating pressurized Job.
After every shift, your on call after 8 hours rest, you can very well be in a life death scenario at any time.
I've worked on end for years on a 48 hour week, on call, at any hour (Of course the money is good) - Really something has to be done to safe our Traffic Controllers so you can be Safe !
I may ramble too much in my old age but I think Puppies might just get the drift of reality when one considers Life's a Joke - HIC
helicopterjim
Hero member
- Location
- near Lone Butte, BC, Canada
Found these and decided to share the entire lot ........ I do enjoy a good pun.
A pun is its own re-word!
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately,
he was arrested and charged with -- transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
A count was arrested for treason and sentenced to death by beheading. The king offered him life without parole if he confessed. The count refused so the execution was scheduled. As the executioner raised his ax, the count yelled "I confess". But it was too late. The ax fell. Moral: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.
The king of a small country in Africa visited the king of England and when he went back home he ordered a throne as grand as that of the King of England. Problem: his hut was too small to house both the throne and a bed. So he got his wise men to come up with a plan so he could sleep in his bed. Their solution was to hoist the throne up to the roof of the hut at night and move the bed under it. All went well until the ropes broke one night and the throne fell and killed the king leading to the moral: people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
And now for some shorter puns
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
A backward poet writes inverse.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your Count votes. ...... USA!
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. I remember this one from when I was a young lad.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of de feet.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
Scientists may come and scientists may go but Ampere is always current.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start Anything."
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
A pun is its own re-word!
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately,
he was arrested and charged with -- transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
A count was arrested for treason and sentenced to death by beheading. The king offered him life without parole if he confessed. The count refused so the execution was scheduled. As the executioner raised his ax, the count yelled "I confess". But it was too late. The ax fell. Moral: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.
The king of a small country in Africa visited the king of England and when he went back home he ordered a throne as grand as that of the King of England. Problem: his hut was too small to house both the throne and a bed. So he got his wise men to come up with a plan so he could sleep in his bed. Their solution was to hoist the throne up to the roof of the hut at night and move the bed under it. All went well until the ropes broke one night and the throne fell and killed the king leading to the moral: people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
And now for some shorter puns
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
A backward poet writes inverse.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your Count votes. ...... USA!
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. I remember this one from when I was a young lad.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of de feet.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
Scientists may come and scientists may go but Ampere is always current.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start Anything."
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
helicopterjim
Hero member
- Location
- near Lone Butte, BC, Canada
I thought King Ozymandias of Assyria was in Australia ...... and reviewed videos ....... but what do I know?
Jim
Jim
Bigfeesh
Full member
- Location
- Geordieland UK
Wembley tickets
England v Scotland Football Match
June 2021
This may be of interest to one of you. A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for England v Scotland. He paid ?300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them that it was going to be the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at Hamilton Registry Office, at 2.30pm. The bride's name is Moira, she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.
England v Scotland Football Match
June 2021
This may be of interest to one of you. A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for England v Scotland. He paid ?300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them that it was going to be the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at Hamilton Registry Office, at 2.30pm. The bride's name is Moira, she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.
GregT
Hero member
- Location
- Christchurch NZ
True story.
Family friend was in the famous Canterbury rugby team during the big Ranfurly Shield holding era in the 50's.
His marriage had been postponed a couple of times as the Shield tenure continued. Finally he gave in to pressure and they set a date which he was sure was not going to conflict with a game. But it did. Last challenge of the season got moved.
The bridal party orbited the church in the car - listening to the game on the radio. The groom and guests listened to it in the church too.
When Canterbury had a safe lead, the Bride arrived and the service commenced.
Score updates were provided by the Verger as they happened during the service.
If Canterbury had lost, I don't like to think what would have happened.
Family friend was in the famous Canterbury rugby team during the big Ranfurly Shield holding era in the 50's.
His marriage had been postponed a couple of times as the Shield tenure continued. Finally he gave in to pressure and they set a date which he was sure was not going to conflict with a game. But it did. Last challenge of the season got moved.
The bridal party orbited the church in the car - listening to the game on the radio. The groom and guests listened to it in the church too.
When Canterbury had a safe lead, the Bride arrived and the service commenced.
Score updates were provided by the Verger as they happened during the service.
If Canterbury had lost, I don't like to think what would have happened.
BobSol
Full member
- Location
- Coventry UK
FOR SALE
DEAD BUDGIE
NOT GOING CHEAP!!!!
(bolt)
DEAD BUDGIE
NOT GOING CHEAP!!!!
(bolt)
helicopterjim
Hero member
- Location
- near Lone Butte, BC, Canada
Paul Marx said:
Up someones arse?
Jim
helicopterjim
Hero member
- Location
- near Lone Butte, BC, Canada
I do like oysters ........ sorry, but I have not had the occasion to experience up the budgie.
Cheers
Jim
Cheers
Jim
BobSol
Full member
- Location
- Coventry UK
Never leave a turn unstoned, eh Guys?
Shajota
Hero member
- Location
- Whitsundays Qld
I'm sure some can identify with at least a couple of these?? -
'OLD' IS WHEN...Your sweetie says, ?Let?s go upstairs and make love,' and you answer. ?Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you?re barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN...You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
'OLD' IS WHEN...'Getting a little action? means you don't need to take a laxative today.
'OLD' IS WHEN....?getting lucky? means you find your car in the parking lot...
'OLD' IS WHEN...An 'all nighter? means not getting up to use the bathroom.
'OLD' IS WHEN....You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
'OLD' IS WHEN...Your sweetie says, ?Let?s go upstairs and make love,' and you answer. ?Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you?re barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN...You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
'OLD' IS WHEN...'Getting a little action? means you don't need to take a laxative today.
'OLD' IS WHEN....?getting lucky? means you find your car in the parking lot...
'OLD' IS WHEN...An 'all nighter? means not getting up to use the bathroom.
'OLD' IS WHEN....You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
piranha-bro2
Hero member
- Location
- Melbourne
chrisk
Hero member
- Location
- Brisbane, Australia
helicopterjim said:
:
I have an up the budgie, wham bam thank you ma?am, experience every six months. The best part is waking up afterwards, to a cup of tea and a sandwich. No romance involved, otherwise I?d wake up to champagne and oysters.
Shajota
Hero member
- Location
- Whitsundays Qld
A Priest, a Rabbit and a Minister walk into a bar.......
The barman asks the Rabbit "What'll Ya have?"
The Rabbit says "I dunno, I'm only here because of autocorrect!"
The barman asks the Rabbit "What'll Ya have?"
The Rabbit says "I dunno, I'm only here because of autocorrect!"
rocketonarail
Hero member
- Location
- Gloucestershire,England
Someone once tried to push Donald Trump into a vat of concrete-That would have set a bad president.
A new member of staff joined the school the other day-He had no arms,no legs,no body-He was to be referred to as The Head.
Visited a friend in hospital recently-While he was in there the nurses greased his back-He went downhill quickly after that.
A new member of staff joined the school the other day-He had no arms,no legs,no body-He was to be referred to as The Head.
Visited a friend in hospital recently-While he was in there the nurses greased his back-He went downhill quickly after that.