chrisk
Hero member
- Location
- Brisbane, Australia
Shajota said:
I suppose the Beast and Solicitor said the same thing to the Sharman as the Rabbi. :
This weeks joke
- Thread starter chrisk
- Start date
I suppose the Beast and Solicitor said the same thing to the Sharman as the Rabbi. :
sideshow
Hero member
MAJOR MOTOR MERGER
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, & the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status.
Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it when it becomes troublesome!
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, & the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status.
Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it when it becomes troublesome!
chrisk
Hero member
- Location
- Brisbane, Australia
sideshow said:
Maybe that?s why I?ve never heard of anyone asking a hooker if she can cook.
chrisk
Hero member
- Location
- Brisbane, Australia
100% True story: I was at a customer, a Chinese wonton wrapper manufacturer.
The owner is Joseph, his youngest son Jason. Jason?s older brother is Wong.
I said to Jason, your father is Joseph, your name is Jason, why did your brother get named Wong. ?My father gave him the Wong name?
The owner is Joseph, his youngest son Jason. Jason?s older brother is Wong.
I said to Jason, your father is Joseph, your name is Jason, why did your brother get named Wong. ?My father gave him the Wong name?
Andy
Hero member
- Location
- Auckland, roughly
I bet the second son was a bargain, or as they say, ?Wong two free?
piranha-bro2
Hero member
- Location
- Melbourne
sideshow said:
The Sock
Hero member
- Location
- London, England
Seems appropriate for what's going on here lately.
[size=24pt]Drafting Guys Over 75
I am over 75 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 55.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical bad enemy.
If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50... in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my Goodness!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
Send this to all of your senior friends... it's in big type so they can read it.[/size]
[size=24pt]Drafting Guys Over 75
I am over 75 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 55.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical bad enemy.
If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50... in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my Goodness!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
Send this to all of your senior friends... it's in big type so they can read it.[/size]
Shajota
Hero member
- Location
- Whitsundays Qld
Perhaps these might be relevant, I can certainly relate to a few 
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people ?The police?
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people ?The police?
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
helicopterjim
Hero member
- Location
- near Lone Butte, BC, Canada
Shajota said:
Perry
Hero member
- Location
- West Dorset UK
Angela Merkel arrives in Poland for an EU meeting.
Immigration officer "Name ?"
Angela Merkel
Occupation ?
No,no just visiting..
Immigration officer "Name ?"
Angela Merkel
Occupation ?
No,no just visiting..
Shajota
Hero member
- Location
- Whitsundays Qld
The Sock
Hero member
- Location
- London, England
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a negligee for his wife.
He is shown several, ranging in price from $250 to $500. The more sheer the fabric, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer one, pays the $500, and takes it home. When he gives it to his wife he asks her to go upstairs and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it's practically invisible. I won't put it on, do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
"Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
Closed coffin.
He is shown several, ranging in price from $250 to $500. The more sheer the fabric, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer one, pays the $500, and takes it home. When he gives it to his wife he asks her to go upstairs and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it's practically invisible. I won't put it on, do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
"Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
Closed coffin.
Legs
Hero member
- Location
- Adelaide Hills
Seán Connery (RIP) was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Lulu said, "Seán, if ah'm no bein? too forward, ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place.".
So they go back to her place and have great sex.
Afterwards, Seán says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."
Lulu looks a wee bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex.
Then Seán says,"Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand."
Lulu is now used to the routine and complies.
The results are mind blowing.
Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Seán, tell me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?"
Seán replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet."
Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Lulu said, "Seán, if ah'm no bein? too forward, ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place.".
So they go back to her place and have great sex.
Afterwards, Seán says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."
Lulu looks a wee bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex.
Then Seán says,"Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand."
Lulu is now used to the routine and complies.
The results are mind blowing.
Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Seán, tell me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?"
Seán replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet."
helicopterjim
Hero member
- Location
- near Lone Butte, BC, Canada
Lulu is a treat ......
Jim
Jim
Legs
Hero member
- Location
- Adelaide Hills
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex.'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex.'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.