This weeks joke

A chemist , biologist , and a statistician went on a hunting trip together.
Walking through the woods they spot a deer . The chemist takes aim , shoots , but misses two feet to the left.
The biologist takes aim , shoots , but misses two feet to the right.
The statistician shouts out "We got him ! "
 
At a wine merchants, the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said: "It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable. "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass.... "It's a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results." "Correct." A third glass... ''It's a Pinot Blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished. He winked at his blonde secretary. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it."It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
 
Not exactly a joke but a little story regarding Vivian Stanshall and The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band.
They were on a tour of the USA , between dates and all the equipment had been sent on so the band members were travelling in a car.
The car was pulled over on a country highway by a police patrolman . He steps out of the patrol car , overweight , shades , chewing on a cigar butt and seeing the occupants of the car he`s pulled over thinks all his Christmases have come at once.
Looks inside the car - Liquor ? nope , Drugs ? nope (apparently) , Guns ? nope...
He stands back , hands on hips , and says "Well , ya ain`t got no guns , ya ain`t got no smokes , ya ain`t got no drink , ya ain`t got no drugs , what the hell have ya got ?
" Good manners " says Vivian quietly from the back of the car...
 
rocketonarail said:
Not exactly a joke but a little story regarding Vivian Stanshall and The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band.
They were on a tour of the USA , between dates and all the equipment had been sent on so the band members were travelling in a car.
The car was pulled over on a country highway by a police patrolman . He steps out of the patrol car , overweight , shades , chewing on a cigar butt and seeing the occupants of the car he`s pulled over thinks all his Christmases have come at once.
Looks inside the car - Liquor ? nope , Drugs ? nope (apparently) , Guns ? nope...
He stands back , hands on hips , and says "Well , ya ain`t got no guns , ya ain`t got no smokes , ya ain`t got no drink , ya ain`t got no drugs , what the hell have ya got ?
" Good manners " says Vivian quietly from the back of the car...
Click to expand...
Viv & Keith Moon used to dress as Vicars and fight on the pavement.
 
Hadn’t heard this one before…

While riding my bike yesterday, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my bike, I guess."
 
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