This weeks joke

After 20 years of marriage, a couple were lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past thesmall of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh,stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

He said, "I found the remote".
 
You have to love Australian politics and how the National Party pick their leaders

 

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Well that's it, the future of the murray water distribution is in the hands of NSW. Poor bloody SA. >:(
 
A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

?So, you?re a politician??
?Well, yes, is that a problem??
?Oh no, no problem. But we?ve recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you?re free to choose where you want to spend eternity!?

?Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell?!? says the politician. ?Those are the rules,? replies St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears. He awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he?s in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds? Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can?t be right?

?Open your eyes!? says a voice. ?C?mon, wakey wakey, we?ve only got 24 hours!? Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he?s in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite? And there?s a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. ?Who are you??? The politician asks.
?Well, I?m Satan!? says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. ?Welcome to Hell!?
?Wait, this is Hell? But? Where?s all the pain and suffering?? he asks.
Satan throws him a wink. ?Oh, we?ve been a bit misrepresented over the years, it?s a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there?s extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It?s a beautiful day, and if you?d care to look outside??
Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course.
?It?s one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there?s another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!? says Satan, answering his unasked question.
So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he?s admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he?s admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him.

Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked. As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging bread sticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear? And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After hours of passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep? and is woken up by St Peter.

?So, that was Hell. Wasn?t what you were expecting, I bet?? ?No sir!? says the man. ?So then,? says St Peter. ?You can make your choice. It?s Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on.?

?Well? I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I?d prefer Hell,? says the politician. ?Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!? says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. ?What?s this??? He cries. ?Where?s the hotel?? Where?s my wife??? Where?s the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine????

?Ah?, says Satan. ?You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted.?
 
An avid golfer found himself in Africa with time to play. He asked his hotel for the nearest golf course, was put in a cab, and spent two hours being driven deeper and deeper into the jungle until he arrived at a course.

He checked in with the pro and asked to rent some equipment and, since he?d never played the course before, for a caddie. In a few minutes, he was escorted to the first tee, where his caddie was waiting with a bagful of clubs under one arm and a rifle under the other.

The golfer was taken aback, but composed himself and hit a good drive down the fairway of the opening hole, a tough par four. As they were walking to his ball, a tiger sprang out of the rough and charged the golfer.

Without missing a beat, the caddie dropped the bag, aimed his rifle, and shot the animal dead.

Again, the golfer had to compose himself, taking a minute to catch his breath. But he quickly recovered, hit a good approach, and parred the hole.

The same thing happened on the second hole, a long, twisting par five. But this time it was a lion that bolted out of the jungle, charged the golfer, and was dropped by a single shot from the caddie?s rifle. By now the golfer was visibly shaken, but the caddie looked unflappable ? and obviously was a good shot ? so they played on.

The third hole was an easy par three surrounded by water. The golfer hit a good short iron, which landed near the cup. As he was walking onto the green, a crocodile slid out of the water and began moving toward him. Unfazed, the golfer looked to his caddie for help.

But the caddie stood motionless.

The crocodile moved closer, and the golfer, beginning to get upset, again glanced at the caddie, who didn?t move.

Finally, with the crocodile just inches away, the golfer screamed, ?Aren?t you going to do something??

The caddie looked at the scorecard and said, ?I?m sorry, sir, but you don?t get a shot on this hole.
 
A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed.

At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says theexecutioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.
"Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor..."
 
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