This weeks joke

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty,
and was leaving his mission in the jungle,
where he has spent years teaching the natives,
when he realizes that the one thing he never
taught them, was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief,
"This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts,
"Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says,
"This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and repeats
"Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about his
results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds,
"Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his
blowgun and kills them both..
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that
he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these
people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied,
"My bike."
 
While riding my Lav, I swerved to avoid hitting a roo, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, ?Get in and I?ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.?

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I?m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I?ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the RGS, I guess."
 
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.
 
Dellortoman said:
I reckon that reference will be lost non-Australians, or any Aussies younger than us old farts.

For those who don't get it, just google "Flo's pumpkin scones" for the recipe.
Click to expand...

Yep. They came in a brown bag supplied by Terry.
 
If they were supplied by me they would have come in a little green bag ;).
 
Andy said:
Nup, you've lost me...
Terry made the hats we used to wear to the cricket

:D
Click to expand...

Terry Lewis, ex Queensland Police Commissioner and guest of Her Majesty's prison system. Was the senior bagman collection the cash in Qld for corrupt cops and pollies.
 
A young doctor had moved to a small community near Broken Hill in New South Wales to relieve a doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit.
Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman, how did  you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to.  You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there?  When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the waste bin.  I knew that was what probably was making her sick."
The younger doctor said "Pretty clever.  If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.  She said that she just didn't have the energy she once had and said,
"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her.  "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well.  Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church but how did you arrive at it?"
"I did what you did at the last house.  I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed."
 
        On hearing that the no. Eight of the local rugby team was very gifted in the penile area a young widow was keen to

        find out if it was true. She duly made his acquaintance, and told him that she would definitely be up for a 'jump'

        but said ' you'll have to be careful, l have a bad heart' "I'll tell you what," he said, "you lie on your side, and I'll see if l
 
        can miss it!"
 
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