This weeks joke

Hi Guys
            I got Billy Connolly's latest book for Christmas and I genuinely pissed myself when I read this. Fortunately I was in the bath so all good.

" A mate of mine told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache."

The man is a genius.

Bob
 
My 20 year old daughter sent me this text from Tasmania while on holidays today.

Q. What happens if the hire car runs out of petrol
A. It will stop
Q. The light is on, will I make it onto the ferry?
A. How far are you from the ferry?
Q. I can see it from here, will it?
A. Maybe
Me. Is it petrol or diesel?
A. I?ll ask the ferry man when I see him.
Waiting.......
A. The ferry is diesel
::)
 
Old bloke at the doctor?s surgery...

Chap:    My arse is giving me a spot of bother doc.

Doc:      How are your bowel movements?

Chap:    Normal looking, and as regular as clockwork. 7am, on the dot, every day.

Doc:      I see, sorry, but I don?t understand the problem here.

Chap:  I don?t get out of bed until 8
 
Hi, Max.  This is  Jim, next door.  I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have  been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face.  When you're  not around, I've been sharing your  wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting  it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just  too great.  I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my  sincere apology and forgive me.  Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll  pay you.      Sincerely, Jim 

Max, feeling enraged  and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Jim dead.  He  returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink, and sat down  on the sofa. Max then looked at his phone and discovered a second text  message from Jim. 

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi,  Max. Jim here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you  figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed  "wi-fi" to "wife."  Technology, huh?  It'll be the death of us all.
 
Chuck Norris turns 80 today.

Before Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, Chuck had 3 missed calls...
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top