This weeks joke

levo said:
Had an uncle with 2 wooden legs who had a job as a night watchmen in a factory. One night the factory caught on fire. they managed to put the fire out but unfortunately..................my uncle burnt to the ground
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I actually had an uncle (Uncle Archie) who had 2 artificial legs. He got run over by a train when he was a young man, losing both legs at mid-thigh level. His prosthetic legs were made of metal and he referred to them as his tin legs. I never saw him use them though. He didn't have a wheelchair either. He'd just shuffle along on his bum, using his arms like an orangutan to climb onto chairs etc.

He and his wife Agnes lived in a tiny 3rd floor apartment a couple of hundred metres down the road from Edinburgh Castle. Back in those days (when I was a kid) it was cheap tenements where poor people lived. Now it's million dollar real estate.

His mates would collect him on Saturday nights to take him to Deacon Brodie's Tavern, one of them carrying him piggy-back style. The pub was was only about 50 metres down the road, so it wasn't a feat of endurance for the piggy-backer. Once there, he'd prop himself on a bar stool to play darts.

The trip home from the pub was a little more problematic, as both Archie and his piggy-backer would be pissed, staggering uphill from the pub, then up the spiral stone staircase to the flat. I remember once when we were staying there on a weekend visit, and the pair of them fell down the spiral stairs, spilling out onto the cobblestones at the bottom. Neither of them was injured, but they couldn't get up because they were rolling about laughing.

Uncle Archie had a good sense of humour. He kept his tin legs under the bed. He used to tell us kids that if he had an itchy foot, he'd have to reach under the bed to scratch it.
 
Good story Cam - small world - I was standing outside Deacon Brodies Tavern just last eve. (a day out walking the streets of Edinburgh and seeing the sights - nice and quiet during semi-lockdown)
 
Pirate walks into a bar. Barman says 'What happened to your leg ?'
They made me walk the plank and a shark bit it off. Now I have a wooden leg.

What happened to your hand ?
Sword fight. They cut off my hand. Now I have a hook.

What happened to your eye ?
Seagull shit in it.

You lost your eye because a seagull shit in it ?
It was my first day with the hook.
 
At accident scenes the ambos always take the victim's helmet with them for analysis. I would love to see the faces of the A&E personnel if they saw that sitting on the stretcher.
 
While at first aid training, learning about really bad wounds and amputations, the instructor (ex ambulance officer) told us a story about a patient he picked up who had cut his finger off. His very efficient workmates had found the finger and put it carefully in a ziplock bag, then stapled the bag to the front of the blokes overalls so it wouldn't get lost.
The instructor said the poor bloke kept fainting whenever he looked down!
 
Comedian Dave Allen telling a story about a pub in Ireland where they wern`t too fussy about pets and dogs wandering in and out
and as he walked through the door he slipped on some dogshit in the entrance,slid across the floor and ended by the bar.
He got to his feet,regained his composure and ordered his drink.
A minute later a 16 stone ,six foot two burly guy walked through the entrance,slipped on the dogshit and ended by the bar at Dave`s feet.
Dave looked down at the bloke and said"I just did that"
The bloke nearly killed me.

Mel Smith and Griff Rhys Jones having one of their head to head conversations;
Smith: "walked down the lane the other day,dogshit everywhere,disgusting-Of course I blame the owners".
Jones;(looking a little perplexed) "Er...I think it`s really the dogs..."
 
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A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road, drifted right and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche with his lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief, "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OHHH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. . . "My bloody Rolex has gone
 
Two golfers walking down a fairway next to a road. As a hearse with a coffin on board drives slowly past, one of the golfers stands to attention and takes off his cap.
" it's good to see some respect shown " his partner says.

" Well, I was married to her for thirty years. "
 
A young fella with his pants hanging half off his arse, no front teeth and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local unemployment office to pick up his benefit money.
He strolled up to the counter and said:
"Hi there, you know what... I really HATE claiming benefits, I'd really much rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system and getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said:
"Wow, your timing is excellent. We've just received a job opening from a very wealthy elderly man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his brand new Mercedes-Benz CL, he'll supply all of your clothes and because of the unsocial hours, meals will be provided free of charge, you'll also be expected to escort his daughter on her overseas holiday trips, but you will also have as part of your job, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sexual appetite."
The guy, jaw dropping and wide-eyed said:
"You're bull-shittin' me !"
The social worker said:
"Yeah, well . . . You started it . . .“
 
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