This weeks joke

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A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up. The husband continues solemnly, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15." Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses... the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?'" "I remember that too," she replied softly...
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
 
Jake strolls into the optometrist, pushing a wheel barrow with a tea towel laid across the top.

Optometrist: Good morning young Jake, and how can I help you today.

Jake: Morning Doc, I'm having a bit of trouble with my eyes.

Optometrist: Well that's no good, what seems to be the problem?

Jake whips off the tea towel to reveal a gigantic turd about 2 foot long and 3" round, laid out in the bottom of the barrow

Optometrist: (jumps back in his chair)
Oh my god, did you do that?

Jake: Of course I did, it's not really something I could borrow. I lay one of these monsters every morning

Optometrist: I think there's been a terrible mistake, I'm an eye doctor and you clearly need a bowel specialist if you're doing that every morning.

Jake: Nah Doc, my bowel seems fine, not sore at all, but everytime I squeeze one of these out it makes my eyes water!
 
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