This weeks joke

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the f* out of my cab!"
He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out.

He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.

So, he gets in the first cab.

"How much is it to the airport?" he asks.

The driver says, "$15."

"Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?"

The cab driver says, "Get the f* out of my cab."

So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing.

"How much to airport?"

"$15."

"Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?"

And that cab driver also tells him to get the f* out of his cab.

He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out.

He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip.

He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?"

Driver responds, "$15."

The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!"

And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
 
A Queensland Police officer stopped at a farm in Maleny, and talked with an old farmer who was working on his tractor.
He told the farmer, "i have suspicion that there is cannabis growing on your property and I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs right now."
The old timer said, "Okay officer , but please don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.
The Queensland Cop verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the State and Federal Government with me !" He instantly opened his police wallet to produce his badge and arrogantly displayed it in the farmers face.
"See this badge mate?! This badge means I am allowed by law to go wherever I wish....
On any land!
No questions asked!
Do you understand ?!!"
The farmer nodded politely, apologised, he continued working on his tractor. A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big Brahman bull with the biggest horns in town...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old timer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"
 
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I once had bloke working for me who I called Blind Bambi, comes from no eye deer. he thought a spirit level was for measuring the depth of scotch in his glass, and that a plumb bob was a fruit and a lazer an ice cream, he once installed and tightened about a thousand 16 and 20mm bolts, because I had asked to to install the "nuts, bolts and washers" on multiple losely assembled pipe flanges, and every bolt had a washer under its head and the nuts had none, his excuse was I should have said bolts, nuts and washers.
CLEM
 
A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck . . .

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle — a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck and the only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon, Leader of the Scottish Nationalists.

That evening, the man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze — perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nicola batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him?
...

He said: 'Can you take the dog for a walk?’
 
It's Fathers Day today here in the UK and a competition was organised to find the best "Dad's Joke", the criteria being that the joke has to be that bad it's good. And the winner out of 2700 entries is :-

A guy orders a limousine to celebrate his birthday and when it arrives the driver parks up, gets out and walks off. The guy shouts after him and asks what the hell is going on. The driver replies "You only booked the car not the driver". So he's stuck there thinking "I've spent all that money renting this thing and I've got nothing to chauffeur it".

Have a great day, guys.
 
BobSol said:
It's Fathers Day today here in the UK and a competition was organised to find the best "Dad's Joke", the criteria being that the joke has to be that bad it's good. And the winner out of 2700 entries is :-

A guy orders a limousine to celebrate his birthday and when it arrives the driver parks up, gets out and walks off. The guy shouts after him and asks what the hell is going on. The driver replies "You only booked the car not the driver". So he's stuck there thinking "I've spent all that money renting this thing and I've got nothing to chauffeur it".

Have a great day, guys.
Click to expand...
That is very bad.

Paul
 
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