This weeks joke

Can't remember if this one has been posted before........

John O'Reilly was down at his local pub, stood up, hoisted his beer and said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wonderful wife !"
That won him the top prize of a couple of pints for the best toast of the night!
Later at home John told his wife, Mary,
"I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking mates on the
street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said,
"John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
Mary smiled and said,
"Aye, he told me, although I was a bit surprised myself............
You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years.
Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep!"
 
A fellow got off work on Friday, and instead of going home, he took off and went fishing and hunting with his buddies and spent his whole paycheck on beer and barbeque! He got home Sunday night to a really pissed off wife, and after she chewed his ass really well for several hours, she said, "How would you like to not see ME for three days"? He said, "Well , that would be just fine"!!
He didn't see her Monday or Tuesday, same on Wednesday, but Thursday evening the swelling had gone down enough for him to see her a little out of his left eye!!!!
 
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A nurse starts her new job at a Glasgow hospital. She finds that patients on one ward look completely healthy. She asks one " How are you feeling today " The patient replies "Aboon them a'ye tak your place painch,tripe,or thairm weel are ye wordy O'grace as langs his arm".

Confused she asks another and gets the reply "Some hae meat,and canna eat,and some wad eat than want it,but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit"

She finds a doctor and asks "is this a mental ward ?"

"No, it's a Burns unit"
 
Halloween joke…
A vampire bat flies back into his cave after a big night...he has blood all over his face. Before too long the other bats smell the blood, and gather around him. They ask where he got the blood from. Knowing they will not let up till he tells them " follow me".
He flies out the cave, across a valley, over a river into a dark forest. Deep in the forest he stops, all the other bats gather round in an excited frenzy.
“OK", says the bat, "see that big oak tree over there?"
"Yeah, yeah" reply the other bats, drooling in anticipation…

"Well I fuckin didn't!”
 
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