This weeks joke

What a classic - as a hormone enraged teen I'm sure the show was designed to tease us in particular with all the possibilities of endless wishes granted by Barbara - aka Jeanie!!
 
A relative just called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, her brother called and told me that my relative was lying and not to give her the money. He goes on to say that the real reason my relative wanted the $300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday. I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my relative and told her to come and get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the County jail. It was my relative crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response...so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
 
piranha-bro2 said:
What a classic - as a hormone enraged teen I'm sure the show was designed to tease us in particular with all the possibilities of endless wishes granted by Barbara - aka Jeanie!!
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Ha ha. Reminds me of a personal contact I had with Barbara Eden - almost.

We lived in UK for a couple of years when I was a kid. We had a bungalow in Elstree which is on the northern outskirts of London. On one rare hot day, we (the family) went to the local swimming pool. The pool was just around the corner from Elstree Film Studios, so it wasn't unusual to see film talent there. My mum spotted a blond woman in a bikini lying on a sun bed. She knew it was an actress and her name was Barbara, but couldn't remember the last name. After racking her brains for a couple of minutes, the penny dropped - Barbara Eden! (presumably in UK for some film project?)

So, being a rather gregarious Australian woman (as opposed to the more reserved folk in UK) she went over and introduced herself, dragging a 9-year old me along with her. I may only have been 9, but that's old enough for a boy to be curious about a scantily clad blonde. Anyway, my mum was only half right because it turned out to be Barbara Windsor (later of Carry-On film fame) who would have been 23 at the time and at the beginning of her film career. Barbara was very nice and spent some time talking to my mum. Long enough for me to get bored with grown-up lady gossip and go for a swim. They were still gas-bagging when I got out of the pool.
 
Watching a clip of Barry Cryer and was reminded of his favourite parrot joke :
A woman walks into a pet shop to buy a parrot and sees this lovely blue and gold and asks the salesman how much.
"Twenty quid" says the man.
Just twenty pounds says the woman , but he`s lovely , why is he so cheap?
"Well" , says the man , "He`s got a bit of history , he used to live in a brothel and has picked up some dodgy language".
That`s ok says the woman , I`ll take him.
So the woman takes the parrot home , takes off the cover , the parrot looks around and says "Oh , different room".
Then the womans two daughters walk in and the parrot says "Oh , different girls".
Then the womans husband walks in and the parrot says " Hello Mike".....
 
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Another one of his.

A man was brought before the local Magistrate for shooting a protected Golden Eagle.

" This is terrible. Whatever made you do such a thing ? "

" It was completely accidental, I was shooting Grouse and it flew into my line of fire"

"What did you do with the carcass ?"

" Didn't want to waste it so I took it home and ate it"

" Good lord, what did it taste like ? "

"Well a bit like Swan really"
 
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Perry said:
Another one of his.

A man was brought before the local Magistrate for shooting a protected Golden Eagle.

" This is terrible. Whatever made you do such a thing ? "

" It was completely accidental, I was shooting Grouse and it flew into my line of fire"

"What did you do with the carcass ?"

" Didn't want to waste it so I took it home and ate it"

" Good lord, what did it taste like ? "

"Well a bit like Swan really"
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I don't get it. Something wrong with eating swans now?
 
Diablo Loco said:
I don't get it. Something wrong with eating swans now?
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Sorry mate that joke doesn't travel. Last man to be jailed for killing a swan was in 1993 under a law enacted in the 14th century. Apparently it was updated in the 1980's to state it is unlawful to harm or kill any swan in the UK. There, even if the joke was rubbish at least I've learnt something.
 
Reminded me of this old one.............
A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, Its not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK, I give up. Where's the f**king ship?"
 
Perry said:
Sorry mate that joke doesn't travel. Last man to be jailed for killing a swan was in 1993 under a law enacted in the 14th century. Apparently it was updated in the 1980's to state it is unlawful to harm or kill any swan in the UK. There, even if the joke was rubbish at least I've learnt something.
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This story of forbidden fruit is mouth watery. Where's the Purdey.
 
In Australia that joke ends with the judge asking out of interest what the bilby tasted like and the defendant replying 'a bit like a cross between fairy penguin and orange-bellied parrot'. For non-Oz readers, these are precious endangered species here - can be substituted for the many of our endangered creatures as their habitats are destroyed..
 
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