This weeks joke

A Kiwi sheep farmer is at the produce store in Nelson. The storekeeper asks if he is okay because he was looking downhearted.

“Bro, it’s breeding season and my rams aren’t doing there job properly, not one pregnant ewe”

“Is okay, bro take them up the back paddock and serve them yourself”

“How will I know when they’re pregnant?”

“Bro, leave them in the house paddock, if in the morning they’re rolling in the mud, they’re pregnant, if they’re rolling in the grass their not”

Farmer puts 5 sheep in the back of his Ute, takes them up the back paddock and shags the fuck outa them, takes them home and puts them in the house paddock.

Next morning he says to his wife, “look out the window and tell me what the sheep are doing”

“Oh, they’re out there rolling in the grass”

Disappointed, he goes out, puts them in the Ute, up the back paddock and fucks them ragged.

Next morning, wife gives him the same news, rolling in the grass.

This continues for 5 days and the Kiwi sheep farmer is so buggered he gets out of bed late.

“What are the sheep doing?”

Wife looks out the window and says “That’s unusual”

What says the farmer?

“There’s 4 sheep in the back of the Ute and one in the drivers seat tooting the horn”
 

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I`m suddenly reminded of an old Les Dawson mother-in-law joke .........


" I was walking down the road with the wife , when we spotted a group of men across the way beating up her mother ........

She said " Aren`t you going to help ? " ...... I said " No , five should be enough ...... " ..........
 
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Religion, not politics you say? Yeh, why not............
One morning in a bar on the Gold Coast tourist strip there were 3 visitors having a quiet drink.
Suddenly, lo and behold Jesus walks into the bar, spreads his arms and says
"Fear not, I have returned and am here to cure your ills and make your life better"
The bloke nearest to him, an American, stands up and says "I've had a bad back for years, comes with crippling pain and they've told me nothing they can do and it will get worse"
Jesus puts his hand on the mans back and says, "your back is healed"
The man straightens up and instantly feels great, plenty movement in his back and he thanks Jesus profusely.
Next, a British woman says "I've had incredible joint pain for years, sometimes I can barely move and even walking is a chore"
Jesus waves his hand around the woman and say "Your joints are healed, there will be no more pain"
The lady starts walking around totally pain free and jumps for joy "Thank you Jesus, thank you"
Jesus then notices the 3rd person, a big beefy Aussie tradie who isn't saying anything, so Jesus walks up to him and says.
"And you, my dear man, what ails you that I can heal?"
The Aussie tuns his head to Jesus and says,
"Fuck off, I'm on compo!"
 
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walked to the corner for
a shoeshine. He sat in an armchair, examined the Wall Street Journal and
the shoe shiner buffed his shoes to a mirror shine.

One morning the shoe shiner asked the CEO: "What do you think about the
situation in the stock market"?

The man answered arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic"?

The shoe guy replied, "I have millions in your bank and I'm considering
investing some of the money in the capital market".

"What’s your name"? asked the executive.

“John H. Smith”, was the reply.

The CEO arrived at the bank and asked the Manager of the Customer Service
Department, “Do we have a client named John H. Smith”?

"We certainly do”, answered the Manager. "He is a high-net-worth customer
with 12.6 million dollars in his account".

The executive came out, approached the shoe shiner, and said, "Mr. Smith, I
would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honor at our Board
meeting and tell us the story of your life. I’m sure we could learn
something from your life's experience."

At the board meeting, the CEO introduced him to the Board Members.

"We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand. But Mr. Smith is
also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his
life. I am sure we can all learn from him."

Mr. Smith began his story...

"I came to this country 50 years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with
an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first
thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I
started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I
found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options; eat
the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25
cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued
in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a
set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't
spend a penny on entertainment or clothing; I just bought bread and some
cheese to survive.

I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes
and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a
monk and saved penny by penny.
After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit
comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I
did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few
years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I
had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great
place.

Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed
away and left me 12.6 million dollars."
 
stivesvelo said:
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walked to the corner for
a shoeshine. He sat in an armchair, examined the Wall Street Journal and
the shoe shiner buffed his shoes to a mirror shine.

One morning the shoe shiner asked the CEO: "What do you think about the
situation in the stock market"?

The man answered arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic"?

The shoe guy replied, "I have millions in your bank and I'm considering
investing some of the money in the capital market".

"What’s your name"? asked the executive.

“John H. Smith”, was the reply.

The CEO arrived at the bank and asked the Manager of the Customer Service
Department, “Do we have a client named John H. Smith”?

"We certainly do”, answered the Manager. "He is a high-net-worth customer
with 12.6 million dollars in his account".

The executive came out, approached the shoe shiner, and said, "Mr. Smith, I
would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honor at our Board
meeting and tell us the story of your life. I’m sure we could learn
something from your life's experience."

At the board meeting, the CEO introduced him to the Board Members.

"We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand. But Mr. Smith is
also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his
life. I am sure we can all learn from him."

Mr. Smith began his story...

"I came to this country 50 years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with
an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first
thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I
started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I
found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options; eat
the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25
cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued
in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a
set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't
spend a penny on entertainment or clothing; I just bought bread and some
cheese to survive.

I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes
and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a
monk and saved penny by penny.
After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit
comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I
did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few
years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I
had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great
place.

Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed
away and left me 12.6 million dollars."
Click to expand...

😳 Did Melania Trump die? oops, there goes my US work card.
 
A whole swag of people hanging around the inner circle have become incredibly wealthy - oh, but no insider trading has taken place, nothing to see here ... the stench is overwhelming.
 
piranha-bro2 said:
A whole swag of people hanging around the inner circle have become incredibly wealthy - oh, but no insider trading has taken place, nothing to see here ... the stench is overwhelming.
Click to expand...

This probably doesn't fit in a Joke thread. Or maybe it does because it's a joke of the worst kind, mostly against the American people.

Why do you think Trump is fucking about in the middle east? It has nothing to do with national security or making America great again. He's simply using his presidential power for personal gain. He's cranking the oil price up and down so he can make billions of dollars by buying and selling at the right time.

Of course what he's doing is absolutely illegal. It's also quite obvious, with massive bets being placed on the oil market only minutes before he makes announcements that trigger falls or rises in the oil price. I dunno why it's so difficult to prove wrongdoing on his part and impeach the bugger. I can only assume his dealings are buried so deep in shell companies that it's practically impossible unequivocally associate those nefarious actions to the man himself.

Making money out of market manipulation isn't the worst of it. People are being killed and maimed in the US-Iran conflict. To date there have been 18 US military personnel killed and some 800+ injured. The Iranian death toll is unknown, but estimated to be somewhere between 3,500 and 7,000 killed and maybe 10 or more times that number injured. But who cares about them? They're just worthless Muslim foreigners who speak some Persian gibberish and hate America. Good riddance as far as Donald is concerned.

The bottom line is that he has no compunction about killing and maiming masses of people simply to line his own pockets. If you use numbers killed as a metric, that's many orders of magnitude worse than any organised crime boss there has ever been. And his woefully uninformed MAGA supporters think he cares about his fellow Americans. Yeah, right.

The man must rank among the worst and most ruthlessly self-interested political leaders in world history. Hopefully Americans will wake up to reality and get rid of the prick before he starts WW3 or completely fucks world economics.

I fear for the future of humanity and it makes me angry that 90% of the world's problems are caused by a few corrupt dictators that you could count on one hand.

If the forum moderators want to censure me for posting political comment. So be it.
 
Ok, resume transmission.....;)
During WW2 a French fighter pilot was on leave at a hotel in Paris
He notices an English nurse across the bar and introduces himself "Je m'appelle Jacques famous fighter pilot and French lover."

The nurse is instantly attracted to Jacques and after some dancing and conversation she goes up to Jacques hotel room. They start making out and Jacques pulls away and pours a bottle of red wine all over the nurses head

The nurse taken aback demands to know what Jacques is doing " excusez moi madame I only wanted to Accentuate your beautiful ruby red lips with the finest French red wine".

The nurse says "oh that's beautiful Jacques keep going" the nurse removes her shirt and brassiere and Jacques begins to kiss down her neck to her chest, he grabs a bottle of white wine and pours it all over her chest.

The nurse is again taken aback "Jacques that's freezing why would you do that? "Jacques replies "excusez moi madame I only wanted to Accentuate your beautiful milky white breasts with the finest French white wine"

The nurse says "oh that's beautiful Jacques keep going" he lays her down on the bed removes her stockings and undergarments leaving her completely naked.
Jacques then grabs a bottle of brandy and pours it all over her pubic region lights a match and sets it on fire.

The nurse jumps out of the bed pats the fire out and begins to shout at Jacques again demands to know why he would do that.

Jacques looks at the nurse " Je m'appelle Jacques famous fighter pilot and French lover, and if I'm going to go down I go down in flames."
 
Dellortoman said:
This probably doesn't fit in a Joke thread. Or maybe it does because it's a joke of the worst kind, mostly against the American people.

Why do you think Trump is fucking about in the middle east? It has nothing to do with national security or making America great again. He's simply using his presidential power for personal gain. He's cranking the oil price up and down so he can make billions of dollars by buying and selling at the right time.

Of course what he's doing is absolutely illegal. It's also quite obvious, with massive bets being placed on the oil market only minutes before he makes announcements that trigger falls or rises in the oil price. I dunno why it's so difficult to prove wrongdoing on his part and impeach the bugger. I can only assume his dealings are buried so deep in shell companies that it's practically impossible unequivocally associate those nefarious actions to the man himself.

Making money out of market manipulation isn't the worst of it. People are being killed and maimed in the US-Iran conflict. To date there have been 18 US military personnel killed and some 800+ injured. The Iranian death toll is unknown, but estimated to be somewhere between 3,500 and 7,000 killed and maybe 10 or more times that number injured. But who cares about them? They're just worthless Muslim foreigners who speak some Persian gibberish and hate America. Good riddance as far as Donald is concerned.

The bottom line is that he has no compunction about killing and maiming masses of people simply to line his own pockets. If you use numbers killed as a metric, that's many orders of magnitude worse than any organised crime boss there has ever been. And his woefully uninformed MAGA supporters think he cares about his fellow Americans. Yeah, right.

The man must rank among the worst and most ruthlessly self-interested political leaders in world history. Hopefully Americans will wake up to reality and get rid of the prick before he starts WW3 or completely fucks world economics.

I fear for the future of humanity and it makes me angry that 90% of the world's problems are caused by a few corrupt dictators that you could count on one hand.

If the forum moderators want to censure me for posting political comment. So be it.
Click to expand...

😳 If American accented men in black suits tap on your front door, chances are they aren’t about to sprook The Book of Mormon.
 
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