This weeks joke

I'm too kindhearted sometimes it seems...

Yesterday, it was so cold out that we let a man stay in our garage for the night, out of the kindness of our hearts. I felt so sorry for him. Poor thing was trembling out in the cold, But this morning he'd just vanished. Not a word, not even a goodbye or thank you for sheltering him. I even turned the heater on full for him. Last straw? This morning I realized he'd peed all over the floor. A LOT of it too. That's the thanks I get for being good to people?

I'm going to warn my friends to watch out for this man. Here's a description: Very heavy set, wears nothing but a scarf. A nose that looks like a long orange carrot, two black eyes that look like charcoal. His arms are so skinny and emaciated they look like sticks. He makes a thumpity-thump sound when he walks Even had a damn black top hat on. I am still cleaning up after this man.
You just can't trust people nowadays
 
This reminds me of the story about Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

“I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.”

“Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”
 
Reminds me of an joke I heard at an air rally in Newtonards:

After the wedding, the young bride returns to her room and begins to think of what the wedding night will bring.
Her new husband, however, has other plans,...
"I'm just heading out, with the lads, for a couple of jars." he said.
He returned, in the early hours, paralytic and fell fast asleep.
And so it continued, for months, till christmas.
Him, off out, and her, lying naked in bed, thinking of what she'd really like, as a present.
She hears a noise, opens her eyes and sees Santa climbing out of the fireplace.
"Santa!" she whispers "You could give me what I really want, for christmas."
He, being devout, falls to his knees.
"Dear God, help me?
If I give this young woman what she wants, surely I will be committing a mortal sin.
But, if I don't, I'll never get up that damned chimney!"
 
A wife was sitting having breakfast together, chatting away, the husband looks at the time and is up and off to work.

The lady spies the postman that afternoon, she goes to the letterbox and asks the postie inside, she shows him to the bedroom, takes her clothes off, and make passionate sex. When done, she leaves and comes back with a cup of tea for the postie.

When he had finished he told her it was great, she took back the cup and saucer and said …. glad you liked it, now fuck off.

Shocked, the postie said “ I don’t understand Mrs Jones, you ask me in, make love to me, give me a cup of tea, and tell me to fuck off…. What’s the go?”

Oh, I was asking my husband what to give you for Christmas at breakfast, he said “Fuck the postie, give him a cup of tea and tell him to fuck off”
 
True story- my Dad was asleep in morning after a night shift and my uncle came round asking for Dad.
Ten year old me runs up to bedroom to tell Dad who’s here..the old man grumbles “ What the fuck does he want?,tell him to sling his hook”..
Which I did , word for word!
 
helicopterjim said:
I encountered some windmills last month. The weather wasn't great and the cloud base was low. Saw the windmills and realized I couldn't fly over them because of cloud so I had to fly between them. Very weird feeling.
The camera makes the weather look better than it was ....... the windmill blades were actually going into the clouds slightly.

Jim

Click to expand...
Red bull helicopter championship contender, take that as you will…
 
helicopterjim said:
I encountered some windmills last month. The weather wasn't great and the cloud base was low. Saw the windmills and realized I couldn't fly over them because of cloud so I had to fly between them. Very weird feeling.
The camera makes the weather look better than it was ....... the windmill blades were actually going into the clouds slightly.

Jim

Click to expand...
Excuse the dumb question Jim - is flying into cloud a mandatory no no for helicopters ? Without certain instruments ?
 
Sir Sidney Ruffdiamond said:
Excuse the dumb question Jim - is flying into cloud a mandatory no no for helicopters ? Without certain instruments ?
Click to expand...

Not a dumb question. The helicopter I fly and the license I hold do not have the ratings for IFR - Instrument Flight Regulations. Without training and proficiency the life expectancy of inadvertently flying into cloud is about 90 seconds. Also a risk of icing conditions the day of the video.

I'm happy to keep the ground in sight ....... has worked well for 18,000 hours flying. No sense changing now.

Jim
 
helicopterjim said:
Photo of a friend of mine has now become a meme.
He actually does live up to the meme. He has mentioned more than once to someone "Pick a window ...... you're leaving!" followed by "Better put your coat on .... it will be cold when you wake up".

Jim

Click to expand...
This must have been the inspiration for Monty Python's lumberjack song.
 
helicopterjim said:
Not a dumb question. The helicopter I fly and the license I hold do not have the ratings for IFR - Instrument Flight Regulations. Without training and proficiency the life expectancy of inadvertently flying into cloud is about 90 seconds.
I'm happy to keep the ground in sight ....... has worked well for 18,000 hours flying. No sense changing now.
Jim
Click to expand...

IFR: I Follow Roads
The majority of my flying was on instruments, although from 40,000 ft the ground was often in sight.
 
Jin......Lots of those wind turbines in my neck of the prairies as well. They have replaced the old wooden grain elevators as the high structures in the grain belt. Some complaints about noise for those who live near them and killing birds....is there any turbulence coming off them when you thread the needle through them in the helicopter?
 
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