This weeks joke

Sunday, mass has ended and the priest is tidies up the altar area while people are leaving the church. All of a sudden he recognizes a clicking sound from high-heal shoes and turns around. A very pretty young lady with long, blond hair comes down the center right to the altar and in front of the altar, she opens the fur coat and presents her amazing nude body to the priest, smiling invitingly.

The priest is totally shocked, closes his eyes and turns around. He faults his hands, raises his view to Jesus on the cross and says: "Lord, what should I do?"

A deep voice answers: "Tell her to wait, go into the registry and find a pliers."

The priest says: "What for, oh Lord?"

The deep voice answers a bit buggered: "What do you think it's for - it's to pull the nails out of my hands, she is obviously dressed to talk to management!"

:LOL:
 
The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a submariner's widow (who else  :D). He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees......
 
The Guys' Rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

Please note: These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

* * * * * *
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
* * * * * *
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
* * * * * *
1. Crying is blackmail.
* * * * * *
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
* * * * * *
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
* * * * * *
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
* * * * * *
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
* * * * * *
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
* * * * * *
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
* * * * * *
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
* * * * * *
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
************
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
************
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
* * * * * *
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
* * * * * *
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
* * * * * *
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
* * * * * *
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
* * * * * *
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Laverda, tools etc.
* * * * * *
1. You have enough clothes.
* * * * * *
1. You have too many shoes.
* * * * * *
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
* * * * * *
1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.




 
Legs said:
Barnaby Joyce is a Kiwi :LOL: :LOL:
Click to expand...

I almost had to stop the car to burst into LOLter when I heard this.....  :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

So there's a UK Coast Guard moseying between Dover and France and happen upon a small boat with 4 Moslems in it, they stop them and ask what they're doing, "We're invading England" The Coast Guard crew burst into LOLter, "what just the 4 of you LOL" "No we've already got a million in there, we're the last four".....
 
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.

"One Australian SAS soldier is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out "One Australian SAS soldier is better than one hundred Taliban".

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The Australian voice calls out again "One Australian SAS soldier is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap, ...there's actually two of them."
 
These are probably 'Last Weeks Jokes', but I like them:

SMART ARSE ANSWER 5
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked. 
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ARSE ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at a supermarket but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, "Do these chickens get any bigger?"

The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."


SMART ARSE ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ARSE ANSWER 2
A truck driver was driving along on a country road.  A sign came up that read, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars were backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car arrived. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"

SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR AND NUMBER 1!
A teacher at a West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.  I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that?s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write on the exam paper with your other hand."

 
DATING  IN THE 60s. 

It  was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and James had a date  with Annabella.

He  arrived at her house and rang the bell... 

'Oh,  come on in!' Annabella's mother said as she welcomed James. 

'Have  a seat in the sitting room. Would you like something to  drink? Lemonade?  Tea?'

'Tea,  please,' James said. Mum  brought the tea.

'So, what are you and Annabella planning to do  tonight?' she asked interestedly.

'Oh,  probably go to the flicks  and then maybe  grab a bite to eat at the coffee bar, perhaps have a walk  on the beach afterwards.'

'Annabella  likes to screw, you know,'  Mum informed him.

'Really?' James gasped, surprised to say the least. 

'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends,  that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked James,  incredulously.

'Oh  yes,'she said.

'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let  her!'

'Phew!  Well, thanks for the tip!' James  said as he  began thinking about alternative plans for  the evening.

A moment  later, Annabella  came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture,  wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy  ponytail.

She greeted James..

'Have fun, kids!' mother said as  they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Annabella  burst into the house and slammed the front door behind  her.


'The Twist, Mum!'  she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen.

'The  bloody dance is called the ....... Twist!'
 
PARENTS!
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks kind of strange. So she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."

Husband: "What?s up?"

Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this is not our kid."

Husband: "Well you don?t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I?ll wait for you here."

"So I went inside, left the dirty one there and got a clean one."

Moral:
Never give a man a job that doesn't belong to him.
 
                        We Met In A Bar


                      Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around,
                      faced me, looked me straight in the eye and said, "Listen here.
                      I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place,
                      in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up,
                      sitting down, naked or with clothes on...It doesn't matter to me
                      I just love it."
                       
                      With my eyes now wide with interest I responded ?
                         
                      "No kidding ... I'm in Government too.
                       
                      Are you State or Federal??
 
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story
and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God
bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed
like the thing to do.?

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to
her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and
goodbye Grandma.?

The next day the grandmother died.

?Holy Moly, thought the father, ?this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

"God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn?t sleep all night and got up at the

crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch

and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would

be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the

day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at

every sound.



Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, ?I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, ?I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, ?You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened

to me this morning. My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson."
 
True story: Was painting under the eaves at my place while home alone yesterday, and had 'Wish you were here' blasting away in the house.  8)

Daughter drove into the driveway and asked "What are you doing, and what is that music playing?"
"Painting the, the house .... Pink Floyd"
"You so need to get your eyes checked 'right' dad, that paint is white"  ::)
 
chrisk said:
True story: Was painting under the eaves at my place while home alone yesterday, and had 'Wish you were here' blasting away in the house.  8)

Daughter drove into the driveway and asked "What are you doing, and what is that music playing?"
"Painting the, the house .... Pink Floyd"
"You so need to get your eyes checked 'right' dad, that paint is white"  ::)
Click to expand...
And Floyd's a weird name for a daughter...............................
 
Five cannibals were employed by the Navy as translators during one of the island campaigns during World War II. When the Commanding Admiral of the task force welcomed the cannibals he said, "You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Sailors are eating. So please don't indulge yourselves by eating a Sailor."
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the Admiral returned and said, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Chiefs has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the Admiral left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said, "Which of you idiots ate the Chief?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Ensigns, Lieutenants, Lieutenant Commanders, Commanders, and even one Captain and no one noticed anything, then YOU had to go and eat a Chief!"
 
A talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen and reports back to the farmer:

?All 40 accounted for.?

?But I only have 39 sheep,? says the farmer.

?I know,? says the sheepdog.

?But I rounded them up.?
 
Three friends go to a restaurant for a quick bite to eat.
They decide to split the bill evenly and it comes to ?30, so they pay ?10 each.
The waiter realises that he has over-charged and the bill should have been ?25, so he goes back to the table with ?5. He anticipates problems splitting it three ways so gives each guy ?1 and pockets ?2.
So! Here's the thing! Each customer ended up paying ?9 for food, but 3?9=27.

So what happened to the other pound?
 
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