This weeks joke
- Thread starter chrisk
- Start date
L
Legs
Guest
Had to check the fine print!
helicopterjim
Hero member
- Location
- near Lone Butte, BC, Canada
Dennis said:
Local company in Rosedale ...... just eat of Chilliwack.
![Turd_20Wrangler_20-_20Logo_20Sign[1].jpg](/proxy.php?image=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.turdwranglers.ca%2Fuploads%2FTurd_20Wrangler_20-_20Logo_20Sign%5B1%5D.jpg&hash=ebf83a0d674ebd37b2449964ba9dfb8a)
chrisk
Hero member
- Location
- Brisbane, Australia
Legs said:
Talk about toilet humor!
Simonr501
Hero member
- Location
- Lympne, Kent. UK
I saw a similar sign on a poo truck a while Back!
' We are No1 in the No 2 business'
' We are No1 in the No 2 business'
Shajota
Hero member
- Location
- Whitsundays Qld
Tippie
Hero member
- Location
- Dr?bak, Norway
Humour is very much a cultural thing. Diffrent cultures can have big trouble understanding each others humour and that can easily lead to offence. I have been in Norway for 15 years and still do not get their jokes. At first I thought that my language skills were at fault, but in reality I "just don?t get it". And my humour often falls flat, except on those with a taste for the more twisted English humour, Monty Python crew type stuff.MotoJouni said:Maybe I don't dare to try this topic. I didn't understood some of the jokes here, my english isn't that good. My jokes would be too twisted and strange, or I would found myself telling mostly true stories all the time.
D
Davo
Guest
Tippie said:
Ah, just the Tippie of the iceberg, huh?
Laverda SF
Hero member
Either of them chain adjusters will work ;o)
I try to tell a joke using my bad english (got the worsest grade possible to pass when I was on english class a couple of years ago) I wish no one founds this offensive.
This happened on WWII in Finland. Some russian forces had a dugout (with roof and stove) somewhere at the front. Some finnish forces noticed the dugout. The group had a new guy from Lapland, he was very quiet and calm that is very typical to people who are from there. The group leader gave him a handgrenade and ordered him to sneak there and to drop the handgrenade to the chimney.
The guy started to sneak there, he had only the handgrenade and his knife. The knife is of course of traditional type used in Lapland, the blade is almost 10" long and made of high carbon steel. When the guy was there next to the chimney he watched there inside to the chimney. The whole group was watching the guy what he is doing. Unpredictably the guy didn't dropped the handgrenade but disappeared somewhere.
A moment later the group heard some terrible noises, such if some people were yelling very loudly. The group was a littlebit nervous and wondered what happened. A moment later the guy appeared back beside the chimney and dropped the handgrenade there inside. After the explosion the guy came back to the group.
Then the nervous group leader asked the guy what happened. He answered: "Their smoke plates were closed and I needed to open them first."
I wish no one founds this offensive.This happened on WWII in Finland. Some russian forces had a dugout (with roof and stove) somewhere at the front. Some finnish forces noticed the dugout. The group had a new guy from Lapland, he was very quiet and calm that is very typical to people who are from there. The group leader gave him a handgrenade and ordered him to sneak there and to drop the handgrenade to the chimney.
The guy started to sneak there, he had only the handgrenade and his knife. The knife is of course of traditional type used in Lapland, the blade is almost 10" long and made of high carbon steel. When the guy was there next to the chimney he watched there inside to the chimney. The whole group was watching the guy what he is doing. Unpredictably the guy didn't dropped the handgrenade but disappeared somewhere.
A moment later the group heard some terrible noises, such if some people were yelling very loudly. The group was a littlebit nervous and wondered what happened. A moment later the guy appeared back beside the chimney and dropped the handgrenade there inside. After the explosion the guy came back to the group.
Then the nervous group leader asked the guy what happened. He answered: "Their smoke plates were closed and I needed to open them first."
L
Legs
Guest
Good one MotoJouni, nothing lost in translation.
Dellortoman
Hero member
- Location
- Tasmania, Australia
Little Johnny comes home from Sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"
"Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."
Sure enough, the very next Sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out.
Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"
"Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."
Sure enough, the very next Sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out.
Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
Simonr501
Hero member
- Location
- Lympne, Kent. UK
Good joke MotoJouni, a little dark perhaps!
I believe this to be a true story:
During the Falklands War a British soldier was being treated by a field medic after being injured in battle. He was in some state of distress.
'I think I have lost my leg' the soldier said.
'No you haven't' the medic replied, 'it's over there' he said, pointing to an object in the distance.
I believe this to be a true story:
During the Falklands War a British soldier was being treated by a field medic after being injured in battle. He was in some state of distress.
'I think I have lost my leg' the soldier said.
'No you haven't' the medic replied, 'it's over there' he said, pointing to an object in the distance.
Shajota
Hero member
- Location
- Whitsundays Qld
Little Bruce and Margaret are only 10 years old, but they know they?re in love.
One day, they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Margaret's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Margaret are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bruce, you?re only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Margaret's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Margaret."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowances. Margaret makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed that Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
For some reason, Mr. Smith no longer thinks this little bugger is adorable.
One day, they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Margaret's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Margaret are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bruce, you?re only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Margaret's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Margaret."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowances. Margaret makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed that Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
For some reason, Mr. Smith no longer thinks this little bugger is adorable.
Richard 180.S2.81
Senior member
- Location
- North by North West
THESE ARE ACTUAL QUOTES TAKEN FROM AUSTRALIAN FEDERAL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS
1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2) "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
9) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10) "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
12) "A gross ignoramus...144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.."
14) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15) "He's been working with glue too much."
16) "He would argue with a signpost."
17) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21) "A prime candidate for natural de-selection.."
22) "Donated his brain to science before he was through using it."
23) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming."
24) "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28) "It's hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sperm."
29) "One neuron short of a synapse."
30) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31) "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 minutes'."
32) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2) "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
9) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10) "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
12) "A gross ignoramus...144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.."
14) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15) "He's been working with glue too much."
16) "He would argue with a signpost."
17) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21) "A prime candidate for natural de-selection.."
22) "Donated his brain to science before he was through using it."
23) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming."
24) "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28) "It's hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sperm."
29) "One neuron short of a synapse."
30) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31) "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 minutes'."
32) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
Richard 180.S2.81
Senior member
- Location
- North by North West
https://youtu.be/g17DL1YJ730
This one is widely told in Finland being a true story. It can be also found widely from the internet but only in finnish I think. A friend of mine worked on airfield and he said me that it is a true story.
This happened on largest airline in Finland. Captain needs to write a report to mechanics if any kind of fault was found on flight. The mechanics need to write to the same report what they have done to the fault. This report is only for pilots and here is some humorous answers mechanics wrote to them. The corporation is consistently ranked to be one of the safest airlines in the world.
Pilot: Left inner wheel almost needs to be changed.
Mechanic: Left inner wheel is almost changed.
Pilot: Test flight went very well, but automatic landing was quite rough.
Mechanic: This plane has no automatic landing system.
Pilot: Lubrication system for propeller number 2 doesn't work.
Mechanic: Lubrication system for propeller number 2 works, but systems for
propellers 1, 3 and 4 doesn't.
Pilot: Something is loose at the cockpit.
Mechanic: Something is tightened at the cockpit.
Pilot: There are dead insects on the windscreen.
Mechanic: Alive insects were out of stock.
Pilot: When autopilot is locked, the flight altitude decrease 200 feet.
Mechanic: I can't do anything for it, I'm here at the ground.
Pilot: There are marks of leak on the undercarriage.
Mechanic: Marks are wiped off.
Pilot: Radio system has an unbelieveably loud sound level.
Mechanic: Sound level is decreased to believeable level.
Pilot: Friction lock locks the accelerograph.
Mechanic: Probably the lock is there just for that...
Pilot: I guess there is a crack on the windscreen.
Mechanic: I guess you might be right.
Pilot: Engine number 3 is missing.
Mechanic: Engine is found from the right wing after short searching...
Pilot: Aircraft behaves funnily.
Mechanic: The aircraft is ordered to shape up, to fly properly and to be more serious-minded.
Pilot: The radar growls.
Mechanic: The radas is programmed to speak clearly.
Pilot: There is a mouse at the cockpit.
Mechanic: Cat is installed.
This happened on largest airline in Finland. Captain needs to write a report to mechanics if any kind of fault was found on flight. The mechanics need to write to the same report what they have done to the fault. This report is only for pilots and here is some humorous answers mechanics wrote to them. The corporation is consistently ranked to be one of the safest airlines in the world.
Pilot: Left inner wheel almost needs to be changed.
Mechanic: Left inner wheel is almost changed.
Pilot: Test flight went very well, but automatic landing was quite rough.
Mechanic: This plane has no automatic landing system.
Pilot: Lubrication system for propeller number 2 doesn't work.
Mechanic: Lubrication system for propeller number 2 works, but systems for
propellers 1, 3 and 4 doesn't.
Pilot: Something is loose at the cockpit.
Mechanic: Something is tightened at the cockpit.
Pilot: There are dead insects on the windscreen.
Mechanic: Alive insects were out of stock.
Pilot: When autopilot is locked, the flight altitude decrease 200 feet.
Mechanic: I can't do anything for it, I'm here at the ground.
Pilot: There are marks of leak on the undercarriage.
Mechanic: Marks are wiped off.
Pilot: Radio system has an unbelieveably loud sound level.
Mechanic: Sound level is decreased to believeable level.
Pilot: Friction lock locks the accelerograph.
Mechanic: Probably the lock is there just for that...
Pilot: I guess there is a crack on the windscreen.
Mechanic: I guess you might be right.
Pilot: Engine number 3 is missing.
Mechanic: Engine is found from the right wing after short searching...
Pilot: Aircraft behaves funnily.
Mechanic: The aircraft is ordered to shape up, to fly properly and to be more serious-minded.
Pilot: The radar growls.
Mechanic: The radas is programmed to speak clearly.
Pilot: There is a mouse at the cockpit.
Mechanic: Cat is installed.