This weeks joke

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The Bagpiper
Very moving.....
I love this story.  Lay down whatever is bothering you, breathe in the fresh air and LISTEN to this story.
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.  As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologised to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.  I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before, for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost ? it's a man thing.
 
A little old lady goes to the doctor.
She says, ?Doctor, I have a problem with gas, but it doesn?t bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I?ve farted at least 20 times since I?ve been here in your office. You didn?t know I was farting because they don?t smell and are silent.?
The doctor says, ?I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.?

The next week, the lady comes back.
?Doctor,? she says, ?I don?t know what you gave me, but my farts ? although still silent ? stink terribly.?
The doctor says, ?Good! Now that we?ve cleared up your sinuses, let?s work on your hearing.?
 
Wow!!!! I've seen it all now. Only at the Woodside Servo, you will not believe what just happened! I pulled into the servo to get fuel and a drink. As I walked towards the shop, I noticed these cops watching this bloke smoking while using the bowser. I saw him and thought to myself, WHATS UP WITH THIS STUPID PRICK? Is he stupid or crazy?!! With the police right there watching, why were they not doing anything? But no worries, I went inside got my purchases and as I was paying, I heard someone screaming! I looked out the window and this silly bugger's arm was on fire! He was swinging his arm, running around going ballistic! I ran outside and saw the cops had put him on the ground and were putting the fire out with their drinks!!
Then they handcuffed the bogan and threw him in the back seat. I was thinking that was just bizarre, but being a sticky beak that I am, I asked the contstable what they were arresting him for. He looked me square in the eyes & said ... "WAVING A FIREARM!"
 
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