This weeks joke

What a coincidence. I saw a similar incident at my local servo on Sunday. A bloke riding an old Indian raced into the servo closely followed by a cop car. The idiot on the bike was dressed completely in brown paper, helmet and all. I asked the cops what he had done to attract their attention - "Rustling" was the terse reply.
 
Davo said:
What a coincidence. I saw a similar incident at my local servo on Sunday. A bloke riding an old Indian raced into the servo closely followed by a cop car. The idiot on the bike was dressed completely in brown paper, helmet and all. I asked the cops what he had done to attract their attention - "Rustling" was the terse reply.
Click to expand...

8) Did they the paper trail?
 
:LOL:

Can not remember anything that strange in traffic for a while. Latest thing I remember was some man driving a car wearing a motorcycle helmet. If I recall correct it was Toyota Corolla station wagon.
 
    Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

    Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

    Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this"

    Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

    Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty,
    regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
    disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

    Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

    Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

    Hardy: "Sorry sir All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

    Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

    Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

    Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it .......... full speed ahead."

    Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

    Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.
    We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

    Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

    Nelson: "What?"

    Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and
    they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let
    anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

    Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

    Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

    Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

    Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

    Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to
    hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

    Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

    Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

    Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the
    crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone
    breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

    Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

    Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

    Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

    Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
    with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of
    legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

    Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

    Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

    Nelson: "We're not?"

    Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.
    According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
    stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

    Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

    Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

    Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

    Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now
    put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

    Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

    Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

    Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

    Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

    Nelson: "In that case. . . . . .Kiss me, Hardy."
 
A fellow walks into a bar,
notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be
more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well......you pay $10 and
if you pass three tests,
you get all the money and
the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first......
Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while,
the man gives the bartender the $10
and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says,
'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,
in a minute or less, and
you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs
who has never had sex....
You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned.
'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts
to drink a quart of tequila, and
then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender.....
'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and
the man has a few more drinks,
he finally says,
'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands
and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks...
but he doesn't make a face, and
he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door,
where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon the people inside the bar hear
growling , biting, and screaming sounds...
then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that
the man surely must be dead,
he staggers back into the bar,
with his shirt ripped open
and there are scratches and
he's bleeding all over his body.

He says,
'Now where's that old woman
with the bad tooth?'







 
An 83-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a fertility test as part of his regular physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ?Take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow.?
The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor?s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the old man explained. ?Well, doc, it?s like this?first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife Martha for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Edith, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin? it between her knees, but still nothing.?
The doctor was shocked! ?You asked your neighbor??
The old man replied, ?Yep, none of us could get the jar open.?
 
My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."
 
Wow, some strong riders there. When I started riding enduros, a veteran old timer told me: "Aim for the spectators, they don't stand in the mud". Minute 2:10.
 
Blurred%20Vision.jpg
 
Ok, perhaps time for something topical (plenty of these floating around at the mo)......................................

 

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