This weeks joke

8) I took his advise and self tested last night.
Result: Not infected ............. though, I may have come into contact with the virus today :(
Best self test again tonight. :D
 
And of course every test needs a confirmation follow up. This one should work perfectly:

Free Urine test:-
Go to a tree trunk and have a Pee,
If it attracts a lot of ants ? you have high glucose,
If it dries too fast ? you have high sodium,
If it smells like meat ? you have high cholesterol,
Forgot to open your pants? ? Alzheimers!
Trouble aiming at the tree ? Parkinsons!
If you pee on your feet ? Prostate,
Can?t smell the pee? ? Definitely Covid!!
 
A  Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.
'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm  fine I'm  fine?' asked the solicitor.
Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit  cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Angus said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said ,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her  down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you  feelin'?'
'Now wot da fock would you say?
 
A bit early but...
Santa goes to the doctor and says " I think I have a mince pie stuck up my arse"
  the doctor tells him to bend over and let him have a look ...
"Yep" says the doctor. " It's a mince pie alright but don't worry I have some cream for that.. "
 
A man and his wife are awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
?Not a chance,? says the husband, ?it is 3:00 in the morning!? He slams the door and returns to bed.
?Who was that?? asked his wife.
?Just some drunk guy asking for a push,? he answers.
?Did you help him?? she asks.
?No, I did not, it?s 3 am in the morning and it?s pouring out there!?
?Well, you have a short memory,? says his wife. ?Can?t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him.?
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, ?Hello, are you still there??
?Yes,? comes back the answer.
?Do you still need a push?? calls out the husband.
?Yes, please!? comes the reply from the dark.
?Where are you?? asks the husband.
?Over here on the swing,? replies the drunk.
 
Apologies in advance but if you have delicate sensibilities please resist the urge to play,,,,
(version with words so you can sing along)
https://youtu.be/cuHYJuSU39o
 
Just spotted this around the corner today.
Translation:
It would be cool, if your dog didn't piss against my motorbike any more.
A truely pissed-off motorcyclist.

Ernesto
 

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Years ago I worked with a guy who had very nice Dodge Charger with aluminum wheels and he was very anal about keeping it clean. He had a neighbor with a cat who took a liking to pissing on his shiny wheels. He tried using a citrus spray to keep the cat away but to no avail. His solution entailed a piece of wet carpet under the cats favorite tire and a lamp cord with one wire on the rim and the other to the carpet with a christmas tree light flasher in circuit so it potentially wouldn't fry the cat.  His wheel stayed clean afterwards. Don't know the fate of the cat.
 
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