This weeks joke

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

The man responded in a loud voice: "£500 FOR ONE NIGHT??? I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!!!"
 
motoddrob said:
With 5 breeding girls the males turn up often. They're sort of use to me being around so they're sort of ok. That one stands up to me and growls I'f I get too close.
I growl back, show him whose boss. On his back legs and tail he's taller than me.
Few years back an old grumpy bastard with a 6 pack and biceps, I wouldn't leave the shed without the long handle spade.
I never turn my back on them
Click to expand...

fark, I'm glad we hunted our proper wildlife to extinction centuries ago, there's nowt wild wandering around the countryside here that'd need the shovel. Well, wouldn't fancy my chances against a big stag during rut but you'd have to go looking for them.
 
Had to take my cat to the vet to be put down the other day-It turned out to be very expensive,I had to make 9 separate appointments...

The army were fighting a gigantic alien man eating monster-It didn`t go well-They tried firing a laser at it but all that did was improve it`s eyesight....

Lost a fight with Dracula-I missed the Count...

Went on a `once in a lifetime holiday`-Never again...
 
Your DUCK IS DEAD
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500.
 
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An oldie but a goodie.
A young guy from Newfoundland moves to British Columbia and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job!
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Newfoundland."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our salespeople average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Vancouver. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Newfoundland, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65 . ′′
The boss, astonished, says " $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition."
Stunned, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said , "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"
 
Apologies in advance for cultural stereotyping - No offence intended🙃
The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee first and as she bends over to place ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

“Allo! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded.
“Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any!”

The Brit immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of St. Paul, here’s 50 pounds. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”

Next the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

“Bejesus woman! You’ve no knickers! Why not?”
She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me!”

He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of St. Patrick, here’s 20 pounds. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.

“Hoot mon woman! Why d’ye have nae knickers?”
She too explains, “You nae give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any!”


The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of St. Andrew, lass, here’s a comb. Tidy yourself up a wee bit.”
 
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