Richard 180.S2.81
Senior member
- Location
- North by North West
My father used to tell me that joke 40+ years ago! 
This weeks joke
- Thread starter chrisk
- Start date
Simonr501
Hero member
- Location
- Lympne, Kent. UK
Richard 180.S2 said:My father used to tell me that joke 40+ years ago!
He must have told me that one as well.
The old ones are the best ones!
Gerald
Hero member
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".
"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"?10!!? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".
"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"?10!!? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."
Shajota
Hero member
- Location
- Whitsundays Qld
Some words of wisdom......................
Richard 180.S2.81
Senior member
- Location
- North by North West
Dear Sirs,
I have a very complicated Benefits Question:
Many years ago, I married a widow out of love, who had an 18-year-old daughter.
After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorisation.
As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law.
My father's wife, my step-daughter and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.
As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.
Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.
A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.
My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.
In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:
Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?
Sincerely yours,
Mohammed
THE REPLY:
Of course you qualify Mohammed! I have arranged to start mailing cheques to all of you just as soon as you arrive here in UK
Welcome!
Jeremy Corbyn.
I have a very complicated Benefits Question:
Many years ago, I married a widow out of love, who had an 18-year-old daughter.
After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorisation.
As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law.
My father's wife, my step-daughter and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.
As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.
Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.
A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.
My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.
In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:
Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?
Sincerely yours,
Mohammed
THE REPLY:
Of course you qualify Mohammed! I have arranged to start mailing cheques to all of you just as soon as you arrive here in UK
Welcome!
Jeremy Corbyn.
Richard 180.S2.81
Senior member
- Location
- North by North West
A Labour politician, a TV Reporter and an SAS man were captured by ISIS.
They were as usual sentenced to death by beheading.
Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could each have one last request before sentence was carried out.
The Politician asked to hear a rendering of ?Keep the red flag flying high?.
The Reporter asked that the beheading be televised so that even when she was dead her face would be on TV.
The Trooper asked to be kicked three times up the ****.
As the trooper's was such an unusual request ISIS decided to carry this out first, and as the last kick landed, the Trooper pulled a hidden 9 mm pistol out of his smock, shot three terrorists dead, grabbed one of their fallen AK47s and shot dead the rest of the terrorists.
The other two prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing his gun.
"Because", said the Trooper, ?when we get back to the UK I don?t want you pair of arseholes saying it was an unprovoked attack !?
They were as usual sentenced to death by beheading.
Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could each have one last request before sentence was carried out.
The Politician asked to hear a rendering of ?Keep the red flag flying high?.
The Reporter asked that the beheading be televised so that even when she was dead her face would be on TV.
The Trooper asked to be kicked three times up the ****.
As the trooper's was such an unusual request ISIS decided to carry this out first, and as the last kick landed, the Trooper pulled a hidden 9 mm pistol out of his smock, shot three terrorists dead, grabbed one of their fallen AK47s and shot dead the rest of the terrorists.
The other two prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing his gun.
"Because", said the Trooper, ?when we get back to the UK I don?t want you pair of arseholes saying it was an unprovoked attack !?
Shajota
Hero member
- Location
- Whitsundays Qld
Dellortoman
Hero member
- Location
- Tasmania, Australia
R ?
L
Legs
Guest
Thought about it...Ouch...that'll do.
helicopterjim
Hero member
- Location
- near Lone Butte, BC, Canada
The answer is 6 ....... the answer is not 6!
Dellortoman
Hero member
- Location
- Tasmania, Australia
No, I mean it's a gearshift pattern, so the answer is "R"
1 3 5
| | |
-------
| | |
2 4 R
1 3 5
| | |
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| | |
2 4 R
Shajota
Hero member
- Location
- Whitsundays Qld
stevepm2011
Hero member
- Location
- Cologne, Germany
Proper cars have 6 forward gears nowadays
sonicboom500
Hero member
stevepm2011
Hero member
- Location
- Cologne, Germany
Automatics have up to 10 forward speeds now (GM, Ford, Honda...) and my car only has 8 :-[
The days when anything with more than 5 gears was a motorbike are long gone....
The days when anything with more than 5 gears was a motorbike are long gone....
Probably will be pulled from Craig's list soon...
https://newjersey.craigslist.org/mcy/6215525859.html
https://newjersey.craigslist.org/mcy/6215525859.html
G
Grant
Guest
Has Ron found Craigslist now??????
Shajota
Hero member
- Location
- Whitsundays Qld
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Sessions said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.
They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Trump said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Sessions said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.
They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Trump said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."