This weeks joke

I owned a guest house in BKK in the 90s, to say that was a heap of fun is a massive understatement.
Never a dull moment :) :)
 
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
 
My daughter rang me last week.
?Dad, the car won?t start. The lights are on, on the dashboard, but just won?t start?
Me ?What gear is it in?
Daughter ?R?
Me ?Put it in Park now try it?
Daughter ?Don?t worry Dad, it has fixed itself?  ::)

 
A young girl was visiting her grandpa over the holidays.
They were sitting talking about life when she asked: "Did God make you, grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandpa answered.
A few minutes later the little girl asked him: "Did God make me too?"
"Yes he did," the grandpa replied.
For a few minutes the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in a small mirror. Her grandpa wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said. "God's doing a much better job lately!"
 
post 588
very funny video which reminds me of a hard bastard ILOC rally a long time ago were the attendees cooked outside, with a big cauldron heated by four petrol camping stoves, in freezing , literally ice, conditions on a frozen muddy field, using a tarpaulin draped over a kids climbing frame for a kitchen,, adjacent to an about to close pub, that didn't serve food, the dish prepared was called pork in cider, proper good it was too, the recipe for which was printed in the club mag, the left overs got re-heated at about 2 am and was scoffed up by the remaining awake reprobates, most enjoyable.

The makers of this film should not have exploited the children, I hope those children will not have understood and are still innocent, as children should be, they were wrong to include them.

CLEM
 
By Kyle Cheromcha
Homeowner's associations: Generally awful, often evil. Now a comically serious board ruling a development in Tennessee with a frail fist has taken that reputation to new heights by fining a resident $100 after her car inadvertently left a penis-shaped outline in the condo complex's snowy parking lot.
This tale of misbegotten power and beautiful comeuppance comes from a woman named Kathryn, who shared her story with The Drive after venting about the bizarre experience on Reddit. Kathryn asked that we not use her last name, but she provided email proof of what might be the most asinine complaint we've ever read.
The trouble began early one cold morning in late January following a light snowfall overnight. It was barely a dusting, and Kathryn and her husband left for work and lived their lives like any other. But the next day, Kathryn was shocked to find an email in her inbox notifying her that she'd been fined $100 because her car had violated the HOA's rules on "displaying offensive images or slogans."
More ominously, the board claimed to have photographic evidence of the obscenity in question. Confused and annoyed, Kathryn pressed them for more information. Their response stands tall in the self-own hall of fame,
"Your car, specifically the Honda, left this offensive image on the ground after you left," the email read. "I believe you will see why we have had complaints about it. One of our residents took the photo and reported it to us out of concern for our younger residents."
Finally, somebody thinks of the children. The picture shows a blob of clear pavement on the snow-covered lot where the car, a Honda Insight, sat and blocked the snow from accumulating. It's a weird sight; there are no tire tracks visible because it was still snowing when Kathryn and her husband left in the morning, which filled in the clearing's edges a bit where the pavement was colder before it stopped. If you squint, and if you're really looking for it, okay, it kind of looks like a strange representation of male genitalia.
Clearer is the fact that we never want to meet the person who made that report. Once Kathryn figured out what exactly the email was referring to?and once she stopped laughing?she fired off an angry counter. How could she possibly control the way the snow fell around her car? Didn't the bylaws state that offensive imagery had to be purposeful? She refused to pay the fine, threatened legal action, and received the following in response:
"We understand. We will not be pursuing this further, in good faith pursuant to the wording of the by-laws."
That's probably about as close to an apology as you'll ever get from an HOA without actually getting lawyers involved, so all's mostly well that ends well. For what it's worth, this isn't the first time Kathryn and her husband have tangled with their condo overlords. She also claims the board's former president arranged to have her car towed from the lot for expired tags when the replacements got delayed in the mail by one day. That story, along with a war's worth of other battles she's had to wage in her complex, can be read over at the ever-entertaining r/f**kHOA subreddit.
We've detailed other stories of neighborhood tyrants run amok, like the homeowner's association in California that attempted to fine residents for keeping their garage doors closed in a misguided effort to root out illegal living space conversions. This doomed quest quest to pin an unintentional penis drawing on a resident's car seems even more insane at first. But you know what they say: It takes one to know one.
Got a tip? Email the author: kyle@thedrive.com
 

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I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked, "Thanks, but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I told him the chances of two serial killers being in one car would be astronomical.
 
A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish.

A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor! I got my first impression of this parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set, and when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity, and gave VD to his sister-in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things

But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.?

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.?
 
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