This weeks joke

Don't let them take your temperature on your forehead as you enter the supermarket because it erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese and came home with two cases of lager

It's a five-minute walk from my house to the pub It's a 35-minute walk from the pub to my house The difference is staggering

My mind is like my Internet Browser. 19 tabs open, 3 of them are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from.

People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full are missing the point. The glass is refillable.

They say every piece of chocolate eaten shortens your life by two minutes. I've done the math. Seems I died in 1537.

I got myself a seniors' GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.

Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

Had I known in March that it was the last time I would be in a restaurant I would have ordered the dessert.

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I've missed my exit.

I swear we're fighting three pandemics. Coronavirus and stupidity and politicians.
 
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” The guy replies, “I’m Rockie Samolia, retired helicopter pilot, of Pitt Meadows, BC.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.”
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.” Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he flew, people prayed.”
 
Anyone remember The Kenny Everett Television Show here in UK,he played different characters such as Hollywood starlet Cupid Stunt,punk rocker Gizzard Puke and so on.
One character was Southern State preacher Brother Lee Love,who preached to his congregation from his pulpit,and the congregation would call back the last few words of each line of his sermon.
One went along the lines of:
Brother Lee: "The Lord will put us on the right path"
Congregation: "The right path"
Brother Lee: "The Lord will show us the true way"
Congregation: "The true way"
Brother Lee "The Lord will save our souls"
Congregation "Arseholes".
 
helicopterjim said:
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” The guy replies, “I’m Rockie Samolia, retired helicopter pilot, of Pitt Meadows, BC.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.”
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.” Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he flew, people prayed.”
Click to expand...
A uncle of mine died peacefully in his sleep.......unlike his screaming passengers.
 
Doctor: Relax, David. It’s just a small surgery, don’t panic.
Me: My name isn’t David.
Doctor: I know. I’m David.

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers,
"I'll have five beers please!"

Housework can't kill you,
but why take a chance?
- Phyllis Diller

“When I was younger,
I really thought
quicksand was going to be a much bigger issue in my life.”

He said “Can you describe the symptoms?”
I said “Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair”

Every time I open my spice cupboard, I am like
"My God! In 1350 I'd be an emperor."

"How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Confounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!?
Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
"Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . ."
 
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This one is for Drikko… Apparently you can pay to go watch this in the UK...
 
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